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Saturday, December 31, 2005
it’s when you miss someone so much,
it hurts.

you can erase a phone number
but you cant erase the love.


Friday, December 30, 2005
i gotta take it a day at a time

tyler hilton - our time


Thursday, December 29, 2005
live as if you never knew
what it was to lose

terminal - dark


Tuesday, December 27, 2005
fortune cookie read..... "You will be in the best position"

i cant get the smell off my mind. its crazy how one scent can bring you back to that moment.
im drowning in you. paralyzed.. hypnotized.

the notwist - consequence


friday, December 23, 2005
Im so..
I cant even think of the word.
And when can eileen not think of the word… ?

Overwhelmed indecisive disappointed fragile conflicted severed alone
Someone please pull the brakes on this roller coaster.
This ride isn’t as fun as when I first hopped on.

imogen heap - hide and seek


Thursday, December 22, 2005
somethings missing


Wednesday, December 21, 2005
the clouds are forming


Tuesday, December 20, 2005
maybe im searching for a feeling that doesn’t exist


Monday, December 19, 2005
Sexy is when
the best is left to the imagination


Monday, December 19, 2005
Well here I am
Don’t know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close, when you’re around me
to shut me out.
don’t shut me out.


Sunday, December 18, 2005
whatever you become
someone will long for what you were
oh the irony

In between the black and blue of dreams
Lies a fight


Saturday, December 17, 2005
I haven’t really had an opportunity to update my blurbs in a long time. There are a couple reasons for that. Been busy with work, Christmas shopping, super sick mode, lost my voice most of this week and to top it off no internet at home for the past couple of days. Being without internet is like having a dull object cut through your jugular. Without it I feel like im bleeding to death.


Friday, December 16, 2005
so deeply entrenched
cracking pavement on city streets


Friday, December 16, 2005
Idleness is the holiday of fools.

it seems as if everyone else has gotten a jump start.
I feel like the tortoise in the race still trying to figure out where the finish line is.
hopefully consistency prevails.


Thursday, December 15, 2005
the mouth
can be the most dangerous part of a person


Thursday, December 15, 2005
the things you love
are as stupid as the things you hate
and are easily interchangeable


Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I think people just say what they like to hear
its hard to convince someone to be smart


Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I enjoy stars but fireworks are even better


Monday, December 12, 2005
if a man keeps telling you over and over again that he loves you
then something is wrong


Sunday, December 11, 2005
if there is understanding,
there is a blanket of love.
if there is no understanding,
there is only a blanket of questions.


Sunday, December 11, 2005
'Sometimes not knowing where you're headed is the best direction.'

thank you. i definitely appreciate this =]


Saturday, December 10, 2005
the snow is not my friend this year.
ouch im hurting.


Thursday, December 8, 2005
When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy.
But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.


Wednesday, December 7, 2005
There shouldn’t be a question mark after
I love you.


Tuesday, December 6, 2005
down the long corridor
our eyes met.
amidst the echoes
the only two left .
one simple glance
in memory etched.
candidly captivating
though timing amiss.


Friday, December 2, 2005
What you do, should speak so loudly, that one cannot hear what you say.


Thursday, December 1, 2005
No time. No time. No time.
That’s all anyone ever has nowadays.


Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I was a voyeur last night.
Fighting in a car with the windows up.
Hands flailed and words exchanged.
The things one can do when they think no one is watching…


Saturday, November 26, 2005
dinner in a Russian household.
temper went through the roof.
shot glasses at each plate setting.
damn they can drink.


Thursday, November 24, 2005
My brother is in love
My sister is basically married
My parents have a new life in another city
The first thanksgiving that I’ve felt really alone.


Sunday, November 20, 2005
There are two things that I despise in this world:
ignorance and incompetence.
Make that three..
I forgot to add mint chocolate.


Friday, November 18, 2005
I ate at panda express by myself today. Orange chicken yummmmm.
Anyhow i’m half way through my meal and this little girl plops onto a chair at the table next to me. she was super duper cute. probably around 12 years old had thin, brown, straight hair and was pretty pale in skin tone but had chinky eyes. I felt like I was staring at a 12 year old replica of myself. It was a shock because she seriously looked like I did when I was that age. Her dad then sat at the table and I overheard their conversation. He was asking her how her week was. I assume her parents are divorced and it happened to be his weekend to spend time with her so he was catching up with her on what she was up to that week. I would hate to be limited to weekend visitation rights with my own flesh and blood. I cant even imagine what that would be like to know that you are unable to see your own child whenever you want to. anyhoo the little girl was definitely hapa. She even spoke like me.. it was crazy.

So works been pretty difficult lately but at the end of my orange chicken meal I opened my fortune cookie and low and behold “Make those special talents you have work like a charm.” I honestly think this is the best fortune I’ve gotten in a long time! Yippyskippy!


Friday, November 18, 2005
If you fail to plan,
Plan to fail.


Thursday, November 17, 2005
You have to have long range goals to keep yourself
from being disappointed with short term failure.

I need to go home and lick my wounds…
I was badly beaten today,
mentally that is.

You only fail if you give up
and I am not a quitter.


Thursday, November 17, 2005
Got this today.
” 2 years and still reading.....thank you for getting me by on days that seem like years. ” -will

Wow.. have I really been babbling my nonsense for two years already?!


Wednesday, November 16, 2005
They say that time changes things,
but you actually have to change them yourself.
- Andy Warhol


Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Theres this really, really good artist. He has 2 daughters.
To nurture their creativity, he threw away all their toys and told them
that if they wanted to play with something, they would have to make it.
How awesome of an idea is that? Let the creative juices flow!
I am soooo stealing that idea.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005
hit up the cuzzi today with two awesome friends,
a beautiful full moon and three glasses of white riesling.
It was a much needed retreat from the daily struggle of reality.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005
colored shadows - life after love


Monday, November 14, 2005
I would consider myself very high strung and incredibly competitive.
Hopefully that will work to my advantage moving forward,
down the unforeseen road that lies ahead of me.


Sunday, November 13, 2005
i made a wish and you came true.


Thursday, November 10, 2005
Remember when it was cool
to put those glow in the dark stars on your ceiling?
Sometimes I wish I could be 16 in high school,
staring up at those glow in the dark stickers again,
without a care in the world.
Wouldn’t that be grand?


Wednesday, November 9, 2005
your reputation is your resume


Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Pg 44 of Reaching the Top of Your Game by Patricia M. Sherlock
“The Japanese call this relentless drive for improvement kaizen”


Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Whatever happened to “being that shoulder to cry on” You know.. the person you go to when you need to talk and all you want them to do is listen.. yup just LISTEN that’s it!

It seems to me in this day and age that things are so fast paced that we neglect to take time out to really acknowledge another person’s feelings. The second something is not what you want to hear you immediately rebuttal with “why are you taking it out on me?” or “now you’re making me upset.” All of a sudden you feel EVEN WORSE than you did when you first started the conversation when all you really needed was someone to LISTEN!

Scenario. I’m talking with my mom on the phone.. just simply returning her call, shooting the shit for a little, seeing whats new. So she tells me theres this “cool new preebie thing at knotts berry parm” I think in my head… “whats a preebie? And I didn’t know it was a parmmmm?” anyhow her little Filipino accent amused me and she seemed quite excited to tell me that at her work they are offering free entrance to the theme park and she wants me to take adBantage of it.. haha (side note: Filipinos cant pronounce their F’s and V’s.. somehow they magically turn into P’s and B’s respectively.) anyhow.. she asks me about my new job and blah blah blah.. then we get into me wanting to get into a new car. So if you know me, you KNOWWWW that I have always taken care of myself and always worked hard for everything I have. So I decided to just throw it out there and see if she would want to break me off a little and help me with a down payment.. she got all flustered and started talking about how she wasn’t done paying off my sister’s car yet (p.s. my sister sold it.. my mom doesn’t know that though..) and how she’s planning on going to the Philippines soon so she was saving so now wasn’t a good time. Being the level headed daughter I am, I replied, “no problem mom, I’ll just work for it myself ..” thinking that would take that weight off her shoulders.. ya that didn’t make her too happy. It actually ended up the exact opposite.. She started getting all over emotional spitting out stuff like “you’re so impatient, you’re making me upset, why’d you have to ruin my day, I’m not a good mother…and the list goes on and on”.. it just urks me that my sister always claims that my mother favors me but in reality she is the one that gets everything she wants.. argh.

So sorry I had to vent but I didn’t really want to talk to someone and hear “so then why are you taking it out on me?”.. I just called someone to vent and got that so I don’t need to hear it again.

Thank you for your time, have a super day!
p.s. phew.. that feels a lot better now.


Monday, November 7, 2005
If you’re on a first date, never begin a sentence with “my mom.” Trust me, the girl you are dating does not want a mental picture of your mom while she’s kissing you. eww groddie.

Never start a sentence with “at my old job” cuz lets be serious here.. no one gives a flying fuck about your old job.. that’s why you’re here at your new one sheeeeeeeeeeez.


Monday, November 7, 2005
This put a super big smile on my face.. check out the message I got today : )

okay so I had some realizations today (don't know if realization IS a word, but hey it sounded good)

so I had this dilemma... BOYS why are they here, and why do we like them (to an extent)

and for some reason "i take each day with a grain of salt" popped into my head, and I didn't know what it meant... so I decided HEy, I should look it up, and I did..

your little journal popped up.. so I glanced at it, only to realize 20 minutes had gone by and i was now staring and really reading it... I like your style.. I like your grace...

I wanna say "your words are the shit" and you have so much to say.... :)

I noticed you talked about myspace and I clicked on the link, and here I am..

so don't find me too wierd to say "you are inspiring, and funny as hell" good words!

hope that this journal is ongoing.. so if the day isn't quite right for me. I can go to it... and laugh or feel inspired! thank you

Its things like this that make you keep chugging when the glass is half empty.
Thanks for actually taking the time to read my nonsense! You’re awesome.


Sunday, November 6, 2005
Rafi Gardet: His penis was so beautiful I wanted to knit it a little hat.

Prime (2005) with Uma Thurman. shes hot. hahahaha i couldnt stop laughing.. it was so cute.


Sunday, November 6, 2005
Live, Love, Learn.


Saturday, November 5, 2005
I suffer from sever FOF.
Fear of Failure.
I do not think I can handle being unsuccessful.


Friday, November 4, 2005
entourage is a great freakin series.
definitely follows nobly behind my sex and the city..
I would argue, its simply the male version of it.


Wednesday, November 2, 2005
So here’s the deal. For those of you who don’t already know, I got a new job. Yes it is true. Eileen has succumbed to the masses and has joined the mortgage industry. Yup.. starbucks coffee and a bagel in the morning, casual Fridays, and the Tuesday morning huddle aka the company meeting... ugh. I no longer utilize my jean collection its sad.. very very sad… anyhow I haven’t been able to update this ish in forever but have no fear my dears.. I have been taking diligent notes in class. Instead of separating all the thoughts into the days in which they caught my attention, I have decided to give you a good 5 minutes of reading below all accumulated on scraps of paper and torn off napkins… so here goes in no particular order or train of thought.

You know you are getting old when you start wearing your pants above your beer belly.

You should always deliver good news fast and bad news faster.

“dirty deeds done quick”.. haha say that ten times fast!

there is no such thing as a free lunch

Conversation at Taco Factory: “Wow, I cant believe you said that. It goes in this order. You THINK, you FEEL, then you SAY. If you were able to SAY what you just said then you must have THOUGHT it was important and FELT the need to say it… ouch” ((can you believe that came out of my mouth? Wow I was deep that day))

An F is a one legged A.

Timid Sales People have skinny children.

If times got rough, turn the gas on and hold the kids tight.

I took a shower under a waterfall today and tried to soak up as much as I could.

Shark Theory: you can only grow as big as your tank. Well then set me free in the ocean where the possibilities are endless.

Who here knows something about something?

Any questions? No? if you had one what would it be?

How are you today? Any better and it would be a sin.
How are you today? Any better and I’d be changing in a phone booth.
How are you today? Any better and I’d be you.

Confidence is sexy. That…. and a guy that can cook a steak. Yum.

Lies are a temporary escape. Key word=temporary.
If I only learn one thing in this world, at least it would be one more thing than I know now.

I gotta read “Who moved my cheese”

Luck is for people with no self confidence.

Exceptions are the grey in a black and white world.

So im in carls jr refilling my super mega size 3 gallon cup of coke and as I pass by this table of old dudes I hear:
“Man Bob.. you gotsta relax this weekend.. you seem all tense and shit… You gotta get yo’self one of them thangs (points to eileen as she walks by) you can spank that thing all day long.”
[Needless to say I was extremely disgusted.. but you cant help but chuckle at their ignorance.]

And last but not least…… drum roll please:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result everytime. With that, I plead insanity!


Sunday, October 23, 2005
i never realized how intense drafting for fantasy basketball could be until this morning. whoa.
you guys are such gaybirds..
you should go make a gaybird lovenest and fuzzywuzzy snugglebunny


Sunday, October 23, 2005
good for you samy shogun. the she-devil saga has now ended!
you have written her off.. consider her mcdead in your mind.


Saturday, October 22, 2005
saw rex navarette today. here are some sniglets from his show:
Oh my gash im not a gays
56k is A-ok
filipino tequila = shots of patis
don't touch my byrrrd
*sparkle* *sparkle*
brian ooooooobrian
so if i eat the mcprrieesspresh prriice prennnnch pryys does that make me first world?


Friday, October 21, 2005
happy barfday.


Friday, October 21, 2005
I hope my kids get some of my creative juices and draw better than this.


Thursday, October 20, 2005
There are no words to describe what it feels like to be utterly surprised.
Hope it brought a smile to your face and memories that will last a lifetime.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Don’t play games with her.
You know that high note that breaks windows?
That’s the high note you better be playing with her.


Friday, October 14, 2005
i cant even remember what SEXTION im on now and im too damn lazy to look so just consider this more bang for the buck...

1. Bolsa Heels. I absolutely detest girls that wear bolsa heels. If you are not familiar with “Bolsa” let me extrapolate. “Bolsa” is a street located in Westminster, home to the Asian Garden Mall. This indoor asian flea market kinda swap meet errr.. I duno how to describe it but its one of those places like chinatown where you can get a luis vuitton purse for $20 and a trance rave mix cd with a pokemon sticker on it by dj chinky thuggish rugster rice rocket for $5. (ha.. I just made myself laugh sorry…) anyhow.. Freakin wannabe broke down gogo dancer with her 4 inch thick ass clear heels stepped on my fucking foot. So remember how the right ankle was busted? Well bullseye on the left one now. Grr tiger. I wanna slap that skeet and say “move bitch get out the way, get out the way, get out the way...” ARRGGGH!!

2. 6 inch skirts. When I was eighteen I remember wearing booty shorts when I went clubbing. Yah you know the shorts where your ass cheeks kinda hang out. But that was when I was eighteen, played 5 hours of tennis every day and had a rock hard “you cant handle this shit” kinda ass. Seven years, later I have now become witness to the next generation of clubbing attire. We shall call it the six inch skirt. Honestly I don’t even know where these chicks buy this shit cuz I have for sure never seen it at the mall when I cruise around shopping. Girls straight up wear this little piece of cloth around their waist that does little to cover up the goods. Then they get smashed and climb up on the stage like a rock star and start gyrating as if there was an imaginary hot guy trying to sex em up. um yah not happening. I kinda felt like I was at a cheap strip joint cuz I definitely saw ass cheeks, a rainbow of colored thong undies and some nipplage here and there. But the one chick that wins the 6 inch skirt award for the night wasn’t exactly wearing a six inch skirt. I saw her walk across the room like a flash of light. I was stunned for a second holding back the drool that was about to drip from my lip.. It was more like she was wearing a bra, a belt, a string for underwear, a bottle of bleach that fell in her hair and oh yah don’t forget the glitter lotion all over her body. I held my breath as she turned around and UGHHHHHHH her face was so broke down even Triple A wouldn’t come and tow that shit away. She must have been at least 35 and we were at an 18 and over club.. that’s like twice the mode age of everyone in the club. And her feet … oh my gwarssshhhh… one word of advice for her.. PEDICURE.. !! damn girl .. youre gonna spend all that money on your tits you better go get that toe jam chiseled off those moldy toes of yours.. blahhhyuckpuckkkk.. ok im done. I cant think of that anymore im gonna barf.

3. guest list. I never understood the guest list. History suggests that the advent of the guest list provided an accelerated entrance to a club, extended to the elite or V.I.P. people that decide to attend the event. Clubs nowadays have taken that idea to the next level. Why is it that you roll up to a club and it seems like the guest list is 5 times longer than the regular line. And why is it that the bouncers will scavenger the line to find groups of girls and herd them in like cattle making all the rest of us wait. Reality check: really hot girls NEVER EVER EVER travel in herds. They are usually lone rangers or needles in a haystack if you will. But then again I guess it doesn’t really matter if the groups of girls are ugly or not because they all have tits and ass and in the dark you cant see much of their faces anyways.. so to all the guys out there, be advised to roam the club in caution or you may be bamboozled by the tits and ass and wake up to the lochness monster the morning after.


Thursday, October 13, 2005
another year older but not very much wiser
its like hall and oats meets boy george.. I feel so wang chung tonight.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005
So very incredibly stoked right now.
Im jumping up and down on my new bed!! Yipppppy skippppy!


Tuesday, October 11, 2005
eileenerzz (7:37:22 PM): ahring is caring
Dreemwerks (7:38:12 PM): i thought "ahring" was supposed to be how fobs say ur name


Monday, October 10, 2005
I tapped my friends foot by accident and say “stop playing footsies with me.”
he replies “you got to put a quarter in this machine to play your game.”
I thought it was hilarious.


Monday, October 10, 2005
Happy birthday daddy. I miss you.


Sunday, October 9, 2005
I got the strangest email today. Reads as follows:
Rained on ground hardens (Japanese Proverb) .
One man money mek too much man cry.
God is Always on the Side of the Big Battalions.

Usually I can read between the lines but what the frack is this?

Stumbled upon a new group The Lovemakers. Good stuff.


Saturday, October 8, 2005

The killers were amazing.
They didn’t play “desperate” but its ok I’ll forgive them this time. When the lead singer looks like this.. yah..
you gotta forgive em.

She says I'm obsessed
I say I'm in love..
I wish I was myself

p.s. Fuck noooooooo im not gonna eat a blood clot floating in soup. So I grabbed a pizza on the way back to the car. Yum.


Saturday, October 8, 2005
Note to self: when in a fight and there are no words left to say just “hug it out” I boogie swear. It works.


Friday, October 7, 2005
I ate octopus at blowfish today. Haha just wanted to say that. Sounds funny.


Friday, October 7, 2005
Ticket on the way of disputing a ticket. Doesn’t get any funnier than that. Oh wait yah it can. He yelled out “fuckin gustavo” I think he meant “fuckin gestapo” hahahahaha.. guess you had to be there.


Thursday, October 6, 2005
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaa.. Rolling On the FLOOR LAUGHING HYSTERICALLLLLLLY.

scroll to the bottom. Omg. I cant stop laughing.

This is even trippier.. I didn’t even remember what my website looked like:


Wednesday, October 5, 2005
I get so much fuckin porn emails now… what the phuckk!?!?!!!?! How do I stop this shit. I swear this pisses me off. I turn on my outlook and get 60 emails.. 10 of which are actually mine. Does anyone know what to do?

cowards give in
to get rid of you


Tuesday, October 4, 2005
Im cutting onions and squish straight through my middle finger’s nail bed. Its was disgusting. Blood was gushing out so I smacked a bandaid on there and in less than a minute the band aid was soaked through. I had to put gauze on it and apply pressure until the gauze soaked up too. So here I am typing feeling like a super oober gimp with an ankle that has still not healed completely and a left middle finger that cant push down on the keyboard right.

I saw “The Jacket” tonight. It was a really good movie. Kinda trippy but keira knightly is hot in it. She has that sultry crack addict but still looks hot thing goin on. I recommend it if you haven’t seen it yet.

Transient Insomnia. I don’t think I have slept one full night in the past year. I wake up at least 2-3 times a night to tinkle or because I had a nightmare. So I did what any normal 24 year old would do. I went to Rite Aid and bought Tylenol Sleep Aid. I took it for the first time a couple of weeks ago and it wigged me out. Completely flipped me upside down like I was at a rave dropping some crazy mdma.. not that I have done that before or anything coughcough but ummm.. yah I got all jittery and had an anxiety attack.. I think I even wrote about it.. well anyhows.. I took it again last week figuring maybe the second time around would drift me off to wonderland and the same shit happened. My arms felt like they couldn’t stay still and my eyes almost hurt if I shut them for longer than 2 seconds. It was a waking nightmare. its 2:06am right now and I was debating whether to go for round 3 and risk it but came to the conclusion that I would be completely retarded to take that stuff again. I don’t understand how the box says you can get addicted because it made me more paranoid than relaxed. What to do what to do.. google it.

1. Count sheep. Um no thanks for some reason I imagine them in my head but I start smelling them in my head too.. groddie.
2. Drink warm milk. Um lactose intolerent. Next please
3. Imagine something boring. Um so im imagining myself and ya it didn’t work.
4. Rub tummy. Um rubbed the tumtum and no dice.
5. Quiet ears. Lie on your back with your hands behind your head, fingers interlocked, and your palms cupping the back of your head. Place your thumbs in your ears so that you are pressing the outer flap of your ear and blocking the entrance to the ear canal. Lie quietly and listen for a high-pitched sound that you will gradually hear inside your head. Lie there for 10 to 15 minutes and concentrate on that sound. Then put your arms to your sides and go to sleep. Um sorry buddy but I just hear ringing in my ears.
6. Toe wiggling. Um whaa? No joke.. check it
“When you wiggle your toes, you are stimulating -- and thus relaxing -- your entire body” that is so rad.. you gotta try it. It actually is pretty relaxing.

The time is 2:15am and a freight train just passed by. They seriously plan when they are going to honk the horn. The conductor looks out his little window, pinpoints where I live and honks that ish till he’s blue in the face. I hate you conductor.. with a passion.


Tuesday, October 4, 2005
in terms of complimenting..
it’s like that pair of chucks that go with just about anything. -harvey


Monday, October 3, 2005
I read a fortune cookie today.
You will continue to take chances and be glad you did.
I’m officially spoken for.


Saturday, October 1, 2005
If time alone were the brush that paints with solace and misfortunate,
my life would be a work of art.

daphne loves derby – the end of everything I loved


Friday, September 30, 2005
I probably should be really stoked right now. My unemployment or shall I say my home security job will cease on October 24th. Yup I got a job. While some may revel in this gratification, I on the other hand despise it. Its not that I don’t want to work, just that I told myself I wouldn’t work somewhere I wasn’t happy with anymore or work somewhere just for the money. I guess I have thrown both of those hopes straight down the shitter. That’s right folks I sold my soul to the mortgage industry. Or at least not yet. Not until they do a complete criminal background check on me and confirm that there is nothing egregious in my past. Hopefully they wont dig up anything about the time I held up that porn store and stole all their blow up dolls or the time I snuck into 2 movies and only paid for one ticket. Yup im a rebel I like to live life on the edge. So now I have 24 days left of my vacation.. what the hell is there to do in orange county?

isolation, redemption and veracity
the firebird band - dangerous


Thursday, September 29, 2005
SIMI VALLEY, CA - A wind-whipped 17,000-acre wildfire raced across hills and canyons along the city's northwestern edge Thursday, threatening homes and forcing hundreds of people to evacuate. -CNN

You never really pay attention to disasters in this world until you receive a hysterical phone call from your mom saying that the sky is black and the house that you grew up in is about to be swallowed up by a fire. The worst part about tragedies like these is that you can’t do anything about it. Helplessness is the worst.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I should poke your eyes out
but then how would you be able to look at yourself in the mirror
after what you have done


Monday, September 26, 2005
Dear Scene
I wish I was blind
then I wouldn’t see inside.
If I could only cut my body free
from the tethers of your scene.
Kiss the cynics,
drag my feet in their misery,
always one step behind.


Monday, September 26, 2005
After a field test that some of you may have participated in, I have come to the conclusion that the person you want never ever wants you back. Its tough but it’s a reality. We all want what we can’t have and sometimes our sights for them get a little clouded and the chase gets heated simply because they are not reciprocating.

As cheeseball as it may seem I want to be someone’s everything. I want someone to want me as much as I want them. Even though you cant have your crush, you shouldn’t have to settle for less.. and sometimes less is not only based on looks.. less can also mean getting less…be it less emotion, less caring, less feeling… just less.

It's strange to think that we can sit here and write down who are crushes are and at the same time there is someone out there that may be listing you as their crush and you would never ever know it. You could be someone’s everything but be alone sulking over not getting YOUR everything. What a horrible predicament.


Sunday, September 25, 2005
I scoured your town completely aroused,
Making love to your memory.

I want to kiss you on the mouth
And tell you im your biggest fan

Nightmare of You – My Name is Trouble


Saturday, September 24, 2005
Oh my goshers. If there is anything you need to try on the internet it is this:

It tooooooootally surprised me. like no joke. Im still in awe. If you read my blurbs religiously you need to try it.. foreals..

otay did you go to it?... what do you think??


Saturday, September 24, 2005
we may go to the moon together, but that is really not that far...
the greatest distance we still have to cover lies within us both


Friday, September 23, 2005
i partially tore a ligament in my right ankle.
i am officially a gimpazoid.
ouchie it hurts.. pretty gnarly pain.
this plastic splint thingy is not a spiffy accessory.


Thursday, September 22, 2005
you have the eyesight of insight
that is what draws me in


Thursday, September 22, 2005
basquiat at moca right now.


Thursday, September 22, 2005
I just realized that my college loan wont be paid off until 2023.
I will be 43 years old. Went to fuckin college and cant find a job I like and im gonna be paying for it for another 18 years. Oh the torture.


Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Am I getting fatter or are my clothes just shrinking?


Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I like being a bump on a log
It doesn’t take much effort


Monday, September 19, 2005
I had 3 nightmares last night.

Dream One:
I was working at a retail store as manager. It was morning time and I was opening up shop. When I entered the store there were 10 dead bodies hanging from the ceiling dispersed throughout the store. All people that I recognized. I freaked out and started calling 911. then one of my sales girls comes in and starts crying saying that her ex-boyfriend did it. I asked how did she know? And she said because he’s standing right there.. I froze and she took out a gun and shot him. then im sitting in a car next to her apparently on the way to the police station and I feel a hand on my side coming from the back seat and its her boyfriend all bloody and stuff lying back there.. I freak out and think “how fuckin stupid is she to drag his ass into the car with us thinking he is dead but he really wasn’t”. so I jumped out of the car on the freeway and I got hit by another on coming car. I died. Needless to say I woke up in a pool of my own sweat, drank some water, and was able to fall asleep again thirty minutes later.

Dream Two:
I’m at the house that I grew up in as a child. It was a creepy house, very dark with one long hallway that I was always afraid of. I would run down that hallway because I always felt like something was behind me. im in one of the bedrooms, the one that used to be my grandma’s and im part of some sting operation or something. I have wires all over my chest. Im sitting on the bed across from one of my friends from college. It’s weird because it wasn’t anyone in particular.. more so that I just had it in my mind that I knew him from college. Apparently he is evil and is trying to kill me. I sit there shaking wondering when I should call out the magic code word for all the cops to come in and bust his ass. He tries to make a move on me and I scream out the word but no one comes.. I run for the door but its locked so he grabs me by the hair and throws me down on the ground as if he’s about to rape me. I cry and scream but no one can hear me. I kick on the door but he’s too strong and has this crazy grip on me. I finally manage to kick the door down and run into my parents old bedroom and lock myself into the bathroom. Then I start to think “how fuckin stupid am I to lock myself in a bathroom with no way out while some psycho dude who is trying to rape me is outside trying to barge the door down.” I go Rambo style and push open the door.. it hits him and I run down the long scary hallway through the living room and into the kitchen where I see all the computers and shit that the cops, who were supposed to help me, left behind. I remembered windows in the kitchen but this time there were none. Scary guy is in the kitchen now and corners me into the pantry. We had a big pantry at that house.. I was always afraid of it and there I was cornered in it. He walked towards me and ripped my blouse and hiked up my skirt and I woke up in a pool of my own sweat, drank some water and was able to fall asleep again soon after.

Dream Three:
I am walking through the neighborhood I live in now and it is completely abandoned. It is quiet and the sun is stuck in about to rise position. There is no train passing by and no cars on jamboree. I hop on my bike and go to ants house and the door is open but there is no furniture in there. It is bare as if no one had ever lived there. I run to the stairs on the second floor and look into the mirror he has at the bottom and I cant see myself in it. I have no reflection. I run out and hop on my bike again headed for home. There are no cars, no kids on razors, no people walking their dogs. i run up the stairs into my bedroom and decide to take a bath. I turn on the water a thick red substance spews out. Its blood. I go onto the balcony on the second floor and jump off. Before I hit the ground I wake up in a pool of my own sweat for the third time. I go wash my face. Drink some more water and was able to fall asleep again.

Im not really this dark and morbid.. I don’t know what the hell came over my dreams last night but it was gnarly. I almost didn’t want to go back to sleep because I was afraid I was going to have another nightmare.


Monday, September 19, 2005
Samy Shoguns Thought of the Day for all single women:
Guys might be hard to find BUT they sell batteries at every store around town.


Sunday, September 18, 2005
I wish pride wouldn't get in the way when it came to matters of the heart.


Friday, September 16, 2005
from jenny:
Never leave the one you Love for the one you Like
because the one you Like will definitely leave you for the one they Love


Thursday, September 15, 2005
Don't waste your time on someone,
who isn't willing to waste their time with you.


Thursday, September 15, 2005
I have lived so many lives but not one at all.
nelly furtado – try


Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Beer #4 is when I usually start to get little tipsy. My body feels a lot more relaxed and my eyes take approximately 1.6 seconds to focus on every new object that I glance at. Thoughts get a lot less dreary and all I can think of is eating. I want to eat yummy food. Food that makes me happy. Different food, something new that I have yet to try. The slow jams start shuffling on repeat and I start to ponder… what a sappy drunkard ei am..


Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I wanted sushi tonight but I didn’t get it.
I haven’t been getting a lot of things I wanted lately.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005
free your mind
and ideas will follow.
you don’t have to be an artist to know
there’s magic in letting go
and throwing down lines,
letting your subconscious drive for awhile.
it’s an ideal way to discover ideas,
be playful and quash the inner critic.


Monday, September 12, 2005
i worry i wont see your face
light up again.


Monday, September 12, 2005
I got my mail today and decided to write on all my bills:
“Please forward to my future rich husband. –thx”


Sunday, September 11, 2005
The dust has only just began to fall


Saturday, September 10, 2005
bumper sticker:
"if youre gonna be on my ass, at least pull my hair"


Friday, September 9, 2005
Save a horse
Ride a cowboy


Friday, September 9, 2005
you are only an adult when you are
willing to hear it, accept it and
love greater than you ever have before.

i am accepting my faults
please accept me.


Thursday, September 8, 2005
run away with me.
lets explore the world with a dime and a camera.
i have yet to feel alive.


Wednesday, September 7, 2005
I cant be that. I don’t have that. I am not that. I will never be that.
this is me. this is all I can do. this is all I will ever be.


Tuesday, September 6, 2005
1. girls don’t ever vent your frustrations to a guy via email. I am absolutely 100% without a doubt positive that as soon as he is done reading your bitching and moaning email that he will forward it to every single one of his homies, his coworkers and hell even people he hasn’t talked to or seen in a couple years. Then once those people get it, they will forward it to their friends etc. etc. you get the drift. You have single handedly just made yourself look like an absolute idiot. You will be the topic of lunch conversation and possibly dinner conversation for those that weren’t able to read the email at work. Congratulations for acting a fool. Word of advice, once you click send there is no turning back. At least yell at him face to face, that way there is no evidence.. unless of course he has an iTalk and recorded it. At that point someone will make a website of your stupid ass as seen in Exhibit A: http://www.purevolume.com/troysmixtapeoflove .

2. guys don’t ever record yourself making kissing noises, singing a kc and jojo song or saying “I love you” one hundred billion times for your girlfriend. You are such a fuckin fagnut. Please refer to Exhibit A. Three days after making this tape she broke up with his loser ass.

3. guy rule #1 at a club. Never ever ever buy a chick a drink unless:
a) she is your friendgirl and her name is eileen OR
b) you have seen her in the light and still find her attractive.

4. Girls you may have a hot little body and some tig-o-bitties but damn use some listerine, floss, chew on gum or some shit before going to a club. Whatever it takes to get that grimy stench out yo mouth. No one wants to smell your stank breath while bumping and grinding on the dance floor. We shall call these girls “Bunny’s”. Yes there are really girls out there named Bunny.

5. guys if you have a hard on while dancing with a chick be kind, please rewind and back yourself up out of her buttox region. You may think that she can’t tell that you are in full erect position but here’s a little secret: WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU HAVE A CHUBBY! Personally I don’t really like being poked by a woodpecker while getting my groove on the dance floor. Tame your beast and let him come out to play when you return to your cave.

6. FINE FINE.. i guess the guy side of me needs to add : girls.. if you are gonna grind on some dude you better expect a little pokeypokey. but hey look at it this way.. isnt it better that you can feel it? at least it means its gigante enough to make its way through his jeans right?!


Monday, September 5, 2005
"don’t hate me cuz you aint me"


Sunday, September 4, 2005
you can't spell awesome without 'ME' !!!


Saturday, September 3, 2005
you got the best of my heart.
the click five – time machine


Friday, September 2, 2005
i am boycotting happiness.
just close your eyes and dance.

surrender and escape


Thursday, September 1, 2005
Need time to clear the noggin
Things have been ruff

the guild league – a maze in greys


Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Sitting directly smack dab on the middle of my forehead, Dudley, refuses to go away. If you are keeping track of my long list of zit names, this one is fresh off the press.. I think im getting immune to proactiv or something.. freakin Vanessa Williams, Jessica Simpson and the artist formerly known as P. Diddy better reimburse this shit if Dudley doesn’t go away stat!


Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Can someone please pull out the knife that has been so strategically shafted into my back?

wax trail of tears painted a beautiful crimson river of grief


Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Truth: The character of a human is tested most when things go awry.

Moral: Don’t conceive your perception of someone when things are good because your outlook of them can be misguided.

Reality: I wouldn’t piss on him even if he was on fire.


Monday, August 29, 2005
Another humbling moment.
I was at work early today for the first time ever and a Teamquest worker came in because my warehouse manager forgot to sign his time card. If you don’t know what teamquest is its one of those temp agencies where we hire warehouse workers for the day just to unload our products when the inventory comes from the port. my coworkers and I are heartless meanies when it comes to them since none of em really speak English and they kinda lop around and don’t work too hard. Yah we’re such cracker bigots to a certain extent which we really shouldn’t be because at least they are working and making money rather than chillin at home getting unemployment. Anyhows .. so he comes in and totally speaks English like better than me. He’s super nice and as Im looking for his paperwork to verify that he in fact did work that day we started chatting a bit. He said he had come in last week too but no one was here so he wanted to get it signed.. he knows it is only four hours but hey its better than nothing.. (fyi 4 hours at $10/hr.. do the math) then he started talking about how he had to go paint his neighbors house cuz they were gonna give him $100 and he’s trying to save up to throw his daughter a birthday shindig.. wow ouch. I don’t know if he was throwing a pity party at me but damn I was like wow. He actually didn’t need to throw a pity story though because its not like I could have paid him anymore so deep down inside I know he was telling the truth. Just makes me think how I can go out with my friends on a Friday night and blow $100 on drinks and food and here there is someone that is willing to paint a whole freakin house for $100. shoot I don’t know if I would even paint a whole house if someone paid me $1000. so stop and think before wallowing in your sorrow of not being able to buy those cool nike dunks you want off ebay or those diesel jeans that are all ripped up like someone ran over em ten times... sometimes seeing a smile on your daughters face is worth painting a house.


Sunday, August 28, 2005
Theoretical Boobage

1. I have come to the conclusion that many girls get fake titties simply to compensate for their ugly faces. No matter how butt gross ugly she may be, attention is immediately drawn to the top heavy silicon juggies that are squeezed into the extra small shirts they try to rock. This gets kinda nasty when they’ve got some spare tire fat action spilling over their two sizes too small jeans. Sorry chick… even big titties wont hide that shit.

2. Im not hating all fake boobs though. There are a small percentage of HOT girls that invest in fake boobs.... fuck aint nothing wrong with that. I see it as increasing their stock, expanding their assets. Just beware of these types of girls because fake titties or not, every ripe fruit has an expiration date. Just picture magda from something about mary.. ewww :shudder: those are some titties gone wrong.. way wrong.

3. And dude seriouslyyyyyyy.. if you’re gonna flaunt ur titties and have your nipple in complete cold erect mode poking out your halter top all day long, don’t get pissed when you catch people staring. I'm going to stare, the guy next to me is going to stare and every single person you walk by is gonna freakin stare. If you didn’t want people to stare at your tits then don’t wear a fuckin see through shirt without a bra! Stop your whining and be stoked that you are getting the attention you paid for.

4. Guys never ever everrrrrrrr and ever everrrrr buy your girlfriend fake titties. The second they heal and are ready for action she is definitely without a doubt gonna leave your ass and youre gonna be stuck with her titty bill. Don’t be a dumbass.. if you want a girl that has big titties then go find one whos ex boyfriend has ALREADY paid for them. it’s a win win situation and now you got the titties without having to pick up the tab.

5. Titty Cost Breakdown. If state of the art fake boobies cost approx. $5k, consider this… if each glance or a stare at the jugs was equivalent to 5cents, and each time you flashed em or told someone to touch em just to see what fake titties really feel like was equivalent to 10cents then you would have your ish paid off in no time. Its kinda like the saying.. If I had a nickel for everytime you said “insert phrase here” I would be a millionaire.. so flash them titties and make them worth the big dent in your bank account..

6. But on an honest note, I don’t get why guys will always claim that real boobs are nicer. The girl side of me thinks that they just wouldn’t want their chick to have fake titties with all the dudes drooling over their girl. Big ego booster for her man in the bedroom but unwanted attention when they are out in public. I think that guys only say that real boobs are better in front of girls with real (small) boobs just to make them feel better about themselves but deep down inside the guys would totally dig playing with the fakies. I cant even count how many times I have heard the comment “but there is only so much you could do with fake tits” Umm I beg to differ.. I think there would be a whole freakin lot of things you could do with big titties.. like whip cream, naughty lingerie etc.. but I wont get into that.. maybe in a future Sextion. All in all I don’t think fakies would be that bad.. hey, id look better in a bathing suit.. I could wear that sexy nurse outfit I have stuffed in the bottom of my drawer.. but on the reals when it comes down to it I don’t think I could deal with the unwanted attention.. I would want someone to love me for me not because of my tig-o-bitties. I guess I gotta do it the natural way.. so here goes.. “dear god.. why do you hate me so much? please please please break me off some.. I must I must increase my bust!”


Thursday, August 25, 2005
So I conducted a field test last night at a local Thursday venue some of you may know as 330 in Brea. Some observations:

1. Sextion B #4 proven to be correct on many accounts. Seriously you ugly ass trick.. you are like “the back up to the back up to the back up plan”. don’t be wearing those white spandex bolsa pants with your 99cent torn up thong underwear and fatty ass love handles sticking out the sides and think you are hot shit…. And the cherry on top comments I heard last night were classic.. “we’re lesbian.. we don’t want to dance with boys..” umm reality check for ya homegirl.. you are only claiming to be lesbian because there are no boys that want to dance with YOU and your UGLY friends. And the other comment was “we don’t go for asian guys” I almost threw up and swallowed it after I heard that.. for all of you that may not have heard of or been to 330 in brea it is 99.9% filled with asian people.. the other .1% is the one bartender that looks like the singer from All American Rejects. So seriously girls.. if you are gonna try to pull the line that you don’t go for asian guys why the hellllllllllll are you going to 330?

2. Voted best pick up line by eileenszymanski.com “Hey I think I’ve seen you on myspace before!” For all the boys out there this one is a sure conversation starter.. this line can easily be followed by.. “ya I like that one picture.. you know the one of yourself… and that song on your page rocks.” Don’t worry about never having seen her page before because she is drunk and it is a certainty that she has a picture of herself and a song playing on her page.

3. Bathroom Talk. This is what I hear while waiting in line to tinkle at a club. “oh my god he is soooo gross and he asked me to dance and I was like helll no” ”did you see that bitch? Ya that’s the one he’s with now. She is so ugly I don’t know what he sees in her.” “do you think he’s cute? Im so drunk I cant tell” “no they aren’t real do you want to touch” “are you okay in there? Do you need water?” “dude my ex is here” “hey can you hand me some toilet paper please? this stall is out” “I am sooooooo fucking drunk” “hurry up fuck I gotta take a piss” moral of the story.. girls have potty mouths.

4. guys carrying around your helmet for your motorcycle around the club is not sexy and doesn’t make the girls want to pounce you any more than they would if you weren’t carrying it around.

5. more guy bashing. Having a mullet where the tail is dyed blond is not hot. Sorry. Its just a waste of bleach if you ask me.

6. white people sweat a bus load. Trust me im part white and if im getting my boogie on i should hire a hot towel boy cuz ima be dripping by the end of the night. [pun intended]

7. how many times can the dj play gwen steffani’s “this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S” I know im drunk but I can still spell and count how many times you played that freakin song.

So some have said im a hater but I would rather think of myself as an observer. This is just me and what I see. Should you have a valid argument to contradict my observations, please feel free to debate in the provided the contact section. Thank you spank you. have a wonderiffic day!


Thursday, August 25, 2005
Today marks a profound and bittersweet milestone for us, as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning. And while we must continue on, we must also be grateful to have been blessed with something that has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for something, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives, for moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow.

the prince and me.


Wednesday, August 24, 2005
my site went down today for the first time ever.
i apologize.. there seemed to have been a glitch in my brain.
i think i offended someone unintentionally.
i hope you know that everything i write is written in that moment and is 9 times out of 10 written to bring out a chuckle to anyone that happens to cross this page.
these are things that happen to me or that i feel and i want to be able to express that in words that are collected throughout the course of the day. i need to be myself and this is how i do it.
this is just me.


Wednesday, August 24, 2005
I figured out what a “blog” is. It is short for “web log” woohoooo..


Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Sparky’s back
Just a little insight
will make things right

Sextion A:
1. Word of advice to all of the sweet and nice girls out there. if a guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now he really means that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with YOU right now but he’ll have sex and hang out with you until he finds someone better.

2. when a guy says he doesn’t want the title of boyfriend and girlfriend because he likes the way things are right now and doesn’t want to mess them up it really means that he likes having sex with and hanging out with you but doesn’t want to say he has a “girlfriend” to a hot chick when he goes out with the boys.

3. when a guy describes a girl as “really nice” she’s ugly.

4. when a guy says a girl is “girlfriend material” she’s ugly. Okay maybe not completely ugly just not something that would make you look twice. Plus she’s really nice. (see item#3)

5. if a guy really likes you he won’t talk about having sex with you to his guy friends. He wouldn’t want them to even try to imagine or fantasize you being naked. If he doesn’t like you then trust me everyone knows the play by play details on how many times/where/when you guys boned. p.s. all his guy friends imagine you naked when you see them.

6. if he wants to make it a blockbuster night there are two possibilities to this. a) he wouldn’t be caught dead with you in public. b) he wants to bone, I mean do you really think he wants to watch “the notebook ” for the bilionth time?

Sextion B:
im not a complete guy basher though. I have a lot of guy friends and the guy side of eileen made me have some insight yesterday as well.

1. guys.. don’t wait for the 3 day rule to call a girl back. Call her back in 2 days.. because she’ll be expecting you to call on the third.. calling her in 2 is a pleasant surprise .. means your interested but not hung up on her.. mysterious yet sincere.

2. the best way to learn about someone is to take them to a buffet. You will surprisingly find out a lot about them by studying their mannerisms and taste. I don’t know about you but food is major when coming to a relationship!

3. girls don’t give your phone number to a guy if you are planning on avoiding his calls when he finally does get enough balls to contact you. That’s just plain mean. You are a smelly pirate hooker! You look like a blueberry! Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island! Oh and… you have bad hair. [anchorman lol. Sorry couldn’t help it]

4. girls if a dude comes up to you at a club, he didn’t come up to you because you are the hottest chick there, he came up to you because you are less intimidating than the hottest chick there that he REALLY wanted to go up to. so stop acting like a bitch and talk to him.. you aint all that and should be stoked some dude even came up to you in the first place. p.s. these type of girls should try to avoid light in a club if at all possible. Once the lights turn on that dude will definitely be peacing out on your ugly ass.

5. parking lot pimping. Very similar to item#4. girls if you get pimped in the parking lot its not what you may think. He wasn’t following you around the club and admiring you from afar in hopes of gaining enough courage to ask you for your hand in a dance like the prince charming you are dreaming about. Fuck no. he is fuckin drunk and wants to bone. Anything everything. Shoot if I had a dick and I was single I would want to take some chick home and get my horizontal mambo on too so I could at least feel accomplished for the night and tell all my guy friends the play by play details about the sexcapade. (see item#5 in sextion A above.)

And of course the grand finale.. The Rule of Thirds.
Being an artist by trade, one of the most popular 'rules' in photography is the Rule Of Thirds. It works like this: Imaginary lines are drawn dividing an image into thirds both horizontally and vertically. You place important elements of your composition where these lines intersect.

Using the Rule of Thirds you have to position things relative to the edges of the frame, it helps get rid of “tiny subject surrounded by vast empty space” syndrome in order to produce nicely balanced pictures.

This is absolutely NOT what I am really referring to. The Rule of Thirds that I am really talking about is the one about boys and girls thanks to American Pie 2. (yes I watch a lot of movies.. we have tivo now.. im addicted)

The Rule of Thirds is when a girl says she has had sex with “insert number here” of guys, multiply it by three and that is the actual number of dudes she has boned. On the other hand when a dude says he has nailed “insert number here” girls, divide it by three and that is in fact the actual notches he holds on his headboard. Should the number divide unevenly, round down because honestly.. your right and left hand don’t count in your grand total. Even if you are ambidextrous.

Hope this provides a little more insight to the difference between girls and boys.. and if it didn’t
fuck you.. you didn’t have to read this shit anyways.

wow im harsh today. I think work is getting to me………………….


Monday, August 22, 2005
the greatest pain is to look into someone’s eyes and see emptiness.

a life one has not lived, not because they were never given the opportunity but because they have cautiously chosen not to. ignorant avoidance of moving forward. the risk of getting hurt on a road that is forked in divergence of the known.

the past may make a person but it is the future that completes them.


Sunday, August 21, 2005
Just run through the sprinklers with me. There is no need to be afraid.


Saturday, August 20, 2005
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I cant explain myself at all.


Friday, August 19, 2005
Now Playing
All American Rejects – It Ends Tonight
Imogen Heap – Goodnight and Go
Kaskade – Everything
Phoenix and the Turtle – Pianos
Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek
Armor for Sleep – Awkward Last Words


Thursday, August 18, 2005
I see myself in you.
If only you could see me now.
You’re little girl is all grown up.


Wednesday, August 17, 2005
... romances... are... a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity...


Tuesday, August 16, 2005
the word for today is FOUR
wow who woulda thunk it.


Tuesday, August 16, 2005
If I were a monkey in a peanut butter jar.. would I be creamy or crunchy?


Monday, August 15, 2005
work is so fuckin lame.
har har. i see a trend in my life.
why is it all so lame?
I wonder what it would be like if i just moved to ny.
i think i was bred for hustle and bustle not the same-o lame-o


Sunday, August 14, 2005
lying down in the middle of an intersection watching the street light change
from green to yellow to red..
if only love was this easy


Sunday, August 14, 2005
Something all men should understand:
Pick the right one to be in the foxhole with
and then when you're outside of the foxhole,
keep your dick in your pants.


Saturday, August 13, 2005
i didnt do shit today. i am so fuckin lame.
i would be bored of myself if i had to hang out with me.


Friday, August 12, 2005
i had super major anxiety attack yesterday. it was a trip. i couldnt sleep for the life of me. i kept tossing and turning. i even tried to sleep upside down with my feet where my head should be and i couldnt do it. i must've tinkled about 7 times. everytime i closed my eyes i felt like i was on a swing with my head swung back in that weird tummy dropping euphoria state just in this case it wasnt quite euphoric. it was more like being possessed by the spirits of the ouija board past. we were talking about the ouija board today. i dont know if it conjured up bad memories of my past or if i was tripping or being a complete panzzzzzzeeeeeeeee but argh so i finally filled the bathtub with crazy hot water to calm myself down. oddly enough after an hour sitting in the tub staring at the ceiling i was able to get in my jammies and fall asleep. by this time the sun came up and i had about 2 hours until work. what a sucky night.


Thursday, August 11, 2005
Rule # 1 – Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own
Rule #2 – Never use your real name.
Rule #3 – Never confess.
Rule #4 – No one goes home alone.
Rule #5 – Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.
Rule # 6 – Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Rule #7 – Blend in by standing out.
Rule #8 – Be the life of the party.
Rule #9 – Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Rule #10 – Invitations are for pussies.
Rule #11 – Sensitive is good.
Rule #12 – Of course you dream of one day having children.
Rule #13 – Bridesmaids are desperate – console them.
Rule #14 – You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Rule #15 – Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule #16 – Always have an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #17 – Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
Rule #18 – You love animals and children.
Rule # 19 – Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
Rule #20 – Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
Rule #21 – Make sure she's 18.
Rule #22 – You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal.
Period. No overtime.
Rule #23 – There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.
Rule #24 – If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
Rule #25 – You understand she heard that but that's not what you meant.
Rule # 26 – Of course you love her.
Rule #27 – Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Rule #28 – Make sure there's an open bar.
Rule #29 – Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Rule #30 – You're from out of town. ALWAYS.
Rule #31 – Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
Rule #32 – Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Rule #33 – Never go back to your place.
Rule #34 -. Be gone by sunrise.
Rule #35 – Breakfast is for closers.
Rule #39 - Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".
Rule #40 - No "chicken dancing" – no exceptions.
Rule #41 - Never hit on the bride! It's a one-way ticket to the pavement.
Rule #42 – The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
Rule #43 - Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."
Rule #44 - If there is a cash bar, bring your fake war medals. You'll never have to buy a drink.
Rule #45 – You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
Rule #46 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
Rule #47 - If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
Rule #48 - Always remember your fake name!
Rule #49 - The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."
Rule #50 – When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.


Thursday, August 11, 2005
I used to rely on self-medication,
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future,
"Someday you'll be fine.."
Yes, I'll be just fine.


Wednesday, August 10, 2005
today you should thank your mom for having you.


Tuesday, August 9, 2005
when does the bickering become pointless,
to the point
where you forgot what you were bickering about?


Monday, August 8, 2005
Does that piece of paper really matter all that much. Do those three letters in the alphabet that show proof of a higher level of education really get you that much further in life? All the material things in the world don’t matter if they fail to bring a smile to your face at the end of the day. I wonder what percentage of the world’s population actually loves what they do. Love, what a strong word.

I read in the Orange County Business Journal today that surf, skate, snow is a multi-billion dollar industry now. It’s a mystery then why the hardest working people in that industry make $15/hr if that. I must say that it is quite noble that one of the major players in that world still resides in a trailer in laguna beach. That must be the life. Living in a trailer at the oceans doorstep and owning a million dollar clothing company. Sigh.


Sunday, August 7, 2005
Swimming in a pool of shallow.

That’s all its been this time. Striving so hard to be successful when everyone around you is miles ahead. I am definitely in the wrong industry.


Saturday, August 6, 2005
3am every night on the dot. That’s when the walls start to shake and the ground starts to rumble. As the train honks its horn and zooms by, I wonder how the heck these Irvine townhomes that are so close to the train tracks can be worth half a million dollars and are increasing in value every day at an exponential rate. Go figure.


Tuesday, August 2, 2005
I just realized I have worn every single shade of pink nail polish for the past 5 years. wOw.


Monday, August 1, 2005
I had dinner with my best friend tonight. She called me out of the blue wanting to meet up. I dropped everything and jumped on the opportunity to see her. She is a beautiful woman. I remember the first day I met her was at orientation for 7th grade at hillside junior high. Her mom, being the social butterfly she is, came up to my mom and said “hoy, Filipino ka ba?” .. and so it began. She wore the neato-ist maroon chucks and believe it or not I was shorter than her.. no joke. We used to get different color rubber bands on our braces to match what we were wearing, we used to take pictures at sears because we thought we were cool little asian gangsters, we used to wear huge ass pants and steal at the mall.. err actually I was the good one that stayed at summer school while they all went to meet up the boys in the valley. We went through confirmation together and watched the scary video that freaks you out into never having premarital sex ever ever ever. We fell asleep in the bleachers at a rave and stuck our heads in her grimy, sludgy fish tank after one too many shots of jose cuervo and a game of truth or dare. I’ve felt her boobies. They are quite nice. I’ve cleaned up her throw up once and she’s cleaned up mine many many times. She has the raddest fashion sense. I always adored her keen style. She has great taste in music and is probably who I should thank for keeping me in tune with the hip hop I don’t want to stop scene. Don’t let her gullible shell fool you, this girl is extremely intelligent and can accomplish anything if she puts her mind to it. she wont let anything hold her back and will keep trying until she gets what she wants. April is an amazing person and although our paths have skewed in different directions the past couple of years, she will always be the one I will call with the latest gossip and one day she better throw my raging bachelorette party w00tw00t.


Sunday, July 31, 2005
saw my mommy.
i miss her.


Saturday, July 30, 2005
go rent "The Game" at blockbuster.
it is a trip.


Friday, July 29, 2005
I do believe it’s true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes


Thursday, July 28, 2005
There are 3 kinds of people in this world.
The one that watches things happen,
The one that makes things happen,
And the one that wonders what happened.

today BB turned into TT.
despite the fact that i have made shit happen here,
at the meeting today i watched shit happen and
after it was done i wondered what the fuck happened.


Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Lucky & Stucky


Wednesday, July 27, 2005
identity theft sucks. how can someone in korea drain my bank account ?
hmppfFFfff not stoked right now.


Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Phantom Planet – Something Is Wrong


Monday, July 25, 2005
South - Fragile Day
An angel lost it's wings
Amongst the bags of things
Disclosed amounts of greed
Creep in daily


Sunday, July 24, 2005
You Have To Kiss Many Frogs Before You Find A Prince


Friday, July 22, 2005
Seashells, a plastic dinosaur, and a miniature yellow dumptruck are some of the items that are for sale in the display case at wimpys submarines. You cant beat a roast beef sandwich and a corona for lunch there. That’s how we do… its nice to know that my boss wont get mad for drinking a beer during my lunchbreak since technically I am my own boss... The little Korean lady never remembers me. Every time I go there she asks for my id and every single time she replies.. “oh you look so young.. I so sorry”… its cute. As I was waiting for my grub behind the Budweiser “the party’s over here” streamers, 2 guys walked in and I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their conversation since we were the only people in the entire joint.

From 58 miles below the border of mexico all the way to 58 miles below the border of Canada. That’s where this guys new house on an 800 acre plot of land was going to be completed in 3 days. “I’m gonna watch the sunrise on my porch and watch the sun set in my backyard.” Kills all the hypocritical assumptions one can make. I guess this is the land where dreams do come true.


Thursday, July 21, 2005
I work with germans.. they are intense. I got this email today.. I think they forgot to press the translate button before sending.

HN: Von den Mustern hatten wir selber nur das eine. Ich frag mal bei SM nach wie wir weiterverfahren sollen. SB

SB: Bitte nochmal 1 Muster rüberschícken, vorher SM fragen ob Vorgang noch aktuell ist. HN


Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Going through heartsickness alone is like having brain surgery without anesthesia.

Curiosity killed the cat and I read..
"..new dilemma presented, no longer the sole subject of her glance."
it's like my favorite quote ever "i breathe by your looks, but you look right through me"

You could either sit there and wallow in the loss or you can succumb to the reality that you should not live for someone.. you should live for yourself. you are both your biggest critic and your biggest fan. things tend to fall into place over time.. timing is everything.

"I'd throw away all the technology in the world in return for that simple and long-forgotten joy of hearing the "beep-beep-beep" coming from my pocket... and seeing those three digital numbers on the screen... 823"

sigh: if things could only be this simple again.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005
My mom gave me some important advice today on the phone,

“Don’t get pregnant, Don’t date a gay guy and most importantly, Don’t get pregnant by a gay guy”

I could not stop laughing.. gotta love her...


Wednesday, July 20, 2005
All morning long people have been calling me asking for Anna. What the freak?!?! After the 6th phone call I asked the guy where he was calling from and he said that someone by the name of Anna had filled out an online application and typed in my cell phone number as her daytime phone. so this online application ended up getting blasted to just about every freakin mortgage company nationwide or some ish.. arGHGHghghgh.. darn you ANNA!


Wednesday, July 20, 2005
There is one fatal problem with stingy, rich people,
they step over dollars to pick up pennies.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I was at the court house today and it was almost like chicken little because I think the sky fell on me…. or maybe it was the bum I tripped over on my way to the county recorders office. So here’s how it went down… as usual I was in a super rush to finish the millions of things I needed to do today all in the span of 30 mins. I was shuffling intently through my notary public folder to make sure I had all my documents in order to take the oath today and make it official. I guess the blond is really getting to me but I totally tripped on some dude that was laying on the ground. I felt so bad you cannot even believe how bad I felt. But seriously there should be signs designating where you can lay down and take a 3pm nap. He was literally blocking the sidewalk path to my destination. Luckily he was chill about it and asked if I had any money.. I rummaged frantically through my purse and thought.. ‘I wonder if he takes atm?’

As I walked back to my car, I made it a point to walk on the complete other side of him.. then I noticed he was no longer there.. a crowd of them had formed around a little stand and they were getting free foooooood! That’s when I kind fumed out the ears. Don’t get me wrong, I am as sensitive as the next person about the diverse economic dynamics of our society but geepers, if I could take a nap at 3pm and get free food every day what the hell am I doing working so hard trying to make ends meet?!


Monday, July 18, 2005
It has come to my attention that I have not posted new tunes in a very very long time. There are two reasons for this..

1. I’m selfish. yup selfish. plain and simple.. selfish. I don’t want to share. There are honestly a select few that get to receive the “eileen song of the day/week”… sorry life’s tough.

2. I am freaking lazy. My mp3s are so unbelievably unorganized that I think I have about 6 folders titled “New Mp3s” the first one created dates back to 1998 when napster still ruled.. I even got a new external hard drive as a present (thank you spank you) and tried to transfer all my mp3s to start organizing it using itunes but there were just too damn many! Arghghghg.. if there is anyone out there <coughJIMMYcough> that has a program that can organize this crap please please please save me from tearing my hair out because I don’t think I could pull off a bald head despite my quirky sense of fashion.


Sunday, July 17, 2005
Why are guys so lame?

I was at the grocery trying to pick a juicy salmon to cook for dinner and some random dude strolls up and says “so your cooking me salmon for dinner? My favorite!!”

How repulsive.


Saturday, July 16, 2005
What I have named my zits in the past 3 months:


Friday, July 15, 2005
My sisters appendix ruptured today. I was wiggin out. My mom freaked out too. I just saw my sister on Sunday in frisco and she was all fine and dandy. I guess late last night she had a severe pain in the side of her tummy that she thought might just be indigestion or what not but the pain became unbearable so my “future brother in law” rushed her to the emergency room. He is such a knight in shining armor. He stayed with her all night while they did a cat scan and an mri or whatevers and surgery was scheduled for this morning. I was glad to see her looking better when I got there.. eyebrows all in tact hehe. I always tease her cuz even if she is super sick or just woke up her eyebrows always look super good. She’s blessed with nice ones. lol. Okay all the boys reading this right now are like ummm great eileen. I guess it just goes to show that even though my sister and I aren’t two peas in a pod or know every single detail about each others lives.. and despite the fact that she thinks im the biggest brat ever and I think she is the most sensitive individual on the planet we still love each other and will always be there for each other when the going gets rough. I love you t joy. Get better soon! [ya eww I said the L word]


Thursday, July 14, 2005
It is a true reality that ideas are a dime a dozen.
An idea will only be an idea unless it is materialized with capital.

Loyalty is overrated.
It is time for survival of the fittest mode.

The one that talks the most is the one that buys.
It is better to shut up, take notes, analyze, and attack when the other is vulnerable.

1000 capital units at $100/unit
of zero is zero.

My laptop runs the company.
If I leave, I will leave with all the knowledge in my head
and nothing but porn and illegally downloaded mp3s on my laptop.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Dear Faithful Readers of the Rants and Raves of EileenSzymanski.com,

I got an email from my Australian Distributor today and he ended the message by saying,
“Are you on Skype?” umm what the heck does that mean? I thought I was pretty down with eileenglish but this obviously is not in my vocabulary. If you should have a distant cousin down in aussie, or are familiar with and understand the meaning of this word, please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss.

Thank you for your immediate response, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours Truly,


Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Whoa have you seen the new nickels? What a trip.. that dude’s head is super big side view profile styles now.


Monday, July 11, 2005
Kate: Love is a mindfield, you take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess thats human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single.

Adam Levy: Two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing's wrong its never going to work out. Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. Weirdos and creeps are single cuz they are weird and creepy but people like us are single because of bad timing.


Sunday, July 10, 2005
“the cheese sandwiches with just the single cheese slice in the plastic wrap are unique”

I once saw a movie that I absolutely fell in L with.. it is called “Love & Sex” released in 2000. it was about relationships.. It scared away the skeptic in me for the whole hour and half and for that brief moment I actually felt like I understood.

The movie talked about the use of the word “love”.. basically love is just a four letter word, so why are people so afraid to use it or say it? Neither of the lead characters wanted to say it despite the fact that they both felt it and showed it to one another .. neither of them wanted to be the first to bow down and say it… so they came up with another way to express it… you can use any word imaginable to express love… like “I blegh you” or “I squish you” so the movie came up with “I cheese sandwich you”.. so later in the movie on their anniversary years later, the dude sent his chick a singing midget that delivered a “cheese sandwich” to her work. It was the cutest thing ever. moral of the story is, if you feel it and you show it, there is no need to say it because there is not one word in the english language that can express that unconditional feeling.


Saturday, July 9, 2005
Suede : Frisco
Inconsequential. That is what most arguments typically are. We do not like to be wrong nor do we like to be proven wrong. When someone apologizes its hard to just accept it and move on. It takes a while for the brain to analyze the situation, gulp and realize that it was inconsequential.

Words can accept the apology but does the heart ever?


Friday, July 8, 2005
Pick up line that I will let you borrow:
Stare at a girl deeply in her eyes.. when she asks what you are staring at reply,
“I don’t want to blink and miss a second of your beauty”
works every time.


Thursday, July 7, 2005
The only way to make money in a casino
is to own one.


Thursday, July 7, 2005
Did you know that Kraft is owned by phillip morris?

Good advice from the wise samy shogun:
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
You gotta make sure to cross-polinate.


Wednesday, July 6, 2005
I was eating my roomie today and he made some super interesting arguments.

Argument1: “Girls don’t respect guys.”
At first I was a little taken back like doubleyoo-tee-eff-mate but then I realized that he didn’t mean girls don’t respect guys the way middle eastern women respect their men (by doing every freakin little thing plus wipe their ass for them).. he meant that women don’t respect guys feelings. I never really looked at it from a guys perspective before because being a girl and all I find it easier to agree with the female as being the wounded lamb in most relationships, especially with what ive been through, but females can be quite vicious creatures. Females can always get what they want. Guys can argue with me all day long about this, but “drop the panties and the boys will come”.

Specimen A: Take relationship girl.. I think girls use sex as an evil invisible collar that they strap on to their men. As much as guys go out and holler at other chicks when they chill with their bros they know who they want to go home to at the end of the day because the invisible sex collar leads them back to their wifey. Its all good till they get caught slippin then they slap themselves silly thinking about how the hoodrat chicks they met were sooooo not worth it compared to their girl.. humans I swear.. you never know what you have until its gone.

Specimen B: Take singledom girl. Single chicks like attention. They want as many guys as they can to have them as their number one priority, she just doesn’t want all the guys to know about eachother. When she feels like one is dropping off on the attention momentum she bumps up the charm to get him back on track. It’s a vile ploy to keep her pawns on the gameboard until she checks a mate. Sorry to give away single girl secret number one but I had to tell it like it is.

Conclusion girls are cruel and malicious. But I don’t think guys should blame girls completely. I think the girls above are victims of that one bad apple that they encountered along their dating journey through life. It only takes one bad guy to f*ck a girl up in the head and turn her into specimen A or B mentioned above. So in reality, it’s a simple case study of cause and effect… guys should blame the guy that turned the girl into the evil person she is today cuz its guys like that who f*ck shit up for the rest of the herd. Hence, I will hide in my cave and peak out when the coast is clear so as not to turn into Specimen A or B.

Argument2: “Dress like a slut, get treated like a slut”
I would have to agree.. I’m sick and tired of listening to the “thursday chicks” whine at a club about how they cant find a good guy, one that likes them for who they are, that actually cares about them more than just hitting and quitting.

Okay I have 2 things to respond to that
1) guys at clubs aren’t thinking about the storybook wedding on the beach with roses and flower petals and music and doves and all that bullsh*t.. they just wanna attend the party that’s in your pants and get their cake.
2) how you gonna wear a one inch skirt and a tube top with half your titty hanging out and expect a guy to look deep into your eyes? Something tells me he probably isn’t too interested with what you got goin on upstairs but wants to turn the lights on in the basement you dig.

So for all you GMAT alumni’s or current MBA students I will parse the argument below:
C: (Conclusion) = skeet skeet skeet’s can’t find guys that truly, madly, deeply, care about them.
P: (Premise) = dress like a slut, get treated like a slut.
A1: (Assumption1) = Assuming all other factors remain constant
A2: (Assumption2) = Assuming if half a girl’s titty is hanging out she will find a guy that only wants to bone her.

And just for the record:
C: I do not.. I repeat do not dress like a slut.
P1: You will never see me flaunting my tummy
P2: You will never see me wearing a backless shirt
P3: You will never see me rocking a skirt with my budonkadonk ass cheeks hanging out
P3: I would not be caught dead wearing anything remotely revealing my boobies. (bathing suits included)
A1: Assuming I do not magically become a stripper overnight.

(sorry some business school humor.. I had to throw it in here)


Tuesday, July 5, 2005
I now have a metal stick lodged in my stomach somewhere. Well hopefully its down in my stomach because last night it unfortunately was still situated in my throat. Stupid tongue piercing… first I noticed the ball gone, shrugged oh well and my boner retardedness put the bar back in so I could continue eating. Not more than two bites later the whole bar was missing in action. Boooooo.


Monday, July 4, 2005
I saw a picture today
and felt a sharp pain in the left side of my chest somewhere near my heart.
I could almost hear the sounds you used to make
and that familiar smell of comfort.


Monday, July 4, 2005
This has probably been the most un-eileen weekend ever in all of 2005. I stayed home on Friday and Saturday night. Yes it is true. I stayed home. Can you believe that? No really.. I shit you not. I stayed home. I felt so queezienasty on Saturday I think I ate some not so cooked meat at the beach cuz my tummy was growling world war III moans like no other so I watched wildboyz on mtv and called it a night. Those guys are insane/gay/freakin retarded. Some of the things they do on that show are just plain stupid. But it did cop some laughs out of me so I guess I cant knock it.


Sunday, July 3, 2005
you will never know what you are missing until it arrives.


Saturday, July 2, 2005
your longs are arm


Friday, July 1, 2005
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze

wow. im home on a friday night at midnight..
stranger things have happened throughout the course of today..


Thursday, June 30, 2005
I never really appreciated my job until today.

I went to wendys and gave my money to the lady at the drive thru. She must have been at least 70 years old give or take a couple of years and after I gave her a $20 bill she tried to give me a $20 bill and $4 dollar bills as change. I promptly corrected her and watched as she got extremely mad at herself for giving me the wrong change. I assured her it was alright but she commented by saying “when you get old like me everything starts looking the same.. good thing you noticed or I would have been fired..” so two things ran through my mind at that point.
One- why is a lady that is old enough to be my grandmother still working at wendys? and
Second- can you really get fired from wendys for being $20 short on your drawer at the end of the day?...

it boggles my mind to think that she should be home playing with her grandkids or knitting or watching price is right or something and here she is working at wendys getting frustrated at herself for giving me the wrong change. I don’t know what her circumstances are in regards to whether she WANTS to work there as opposed to HAS to work there but nonetheless, would you want to see someone as old as your grandmother working hard like that for a measly minimum wage? I felt so bad.. It was at that point I felt ashamed of myself for taking my job for granted.


Thursday, June 30, 2005
‘A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.’

-Sometimes I regret the moments when life revealed its wisdom. I should have succumbed to ignorance. I miss my happiness.-

She took the words right out of my mouth.


Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Aww summertime.
The sun is shining, the waves are hitting the beaches and the kids are ready to play.
And while all this hustle and bustle is crackin, at least 98% of all my friends are stuck in their cubicles trying to bring home the bacon.

Is this what life has succumb to? Confinement in these 5 foot makeshift walls?


Tuesday, June 28, 2005
At what point is too much too much?
Anxiety is a bitch. Feeling a bit out of my element lately.


Monday, June 27, 2005
A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.

[How sad that we eventually become cynics. We like to call it "jaded", "guarded" or "defensive" but no matter how you dress it up it's still an excuse not to try whatever it is that we in fact afraid of. People always claim to be brave or to be risk takers but when it comes to the heart we are all just cowards. Happiest are the people who actually follow through on matters of love until the end.] cb.


Sunday, June 26, 2005
You're the color,
you're the movement and the spin.
fail with consequence,
lose with eloquence
and smile.

never leave me paralyzed, love.
leave me hypnotized, love.


Saturday, June 25, 2005
freakin asian gangsters from the hood
i wish i had a video camera last night so i could have recorded the shuffle
i would play it in slow motion for ya and play the baywatch theme in the background


Friday, June 24, 2005
Ever feel like life is counting down instead of up?
If I had one wish it would be to be a kid again

My response to mr. samy shogun:
You are fucking adorable
It’s a freakin curse
Women just cant handle you


Thursday, June 23, 2005
I think the hottest thing ever is to see a super cute guy sport his wedding ring with pride and not be able to stop talking about his wife after being married for years. I guess there are really guys out there that can make the commitment and not be sketchy on the sidelines.

At what point can a person set aside their insecurities and realize that the other person is being true? Do the insecurities only end when you say I do? And even then… there’s always divorce? Ugh. So pessimistic I am these days.


Wednesday, June 22, 2005
If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise. Look up into the sky and never forget the boundless view.


Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs for you will miss future joy.


Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Studying for the gmat. Do people really care about this shit in the real world? i.e.
The –ing form of a verb or present participle can be used as a noun and in such case it is called a gerund. Who the hell named that shit? A gerund? Sounds like some animal you would stick up your ass. Wow okay tone it down Eileen.. sorry studying for this sucks.

Ate shabu shabu last night and concluded that harry is the most wise Americanized Japanese man I have ever met. Calling out the 12 o’clock rice bowl to 6 o’clock and hovering over us to make sure we didn’t over cook the grade A meat. He started talking about History and I learned many important things:
1) George Washington caught pneumonia from walking through some snow fields after boning a slave in her quarters
2) Benjamin Franklin was an old dirty man that liked to have sex with multiple dirty women
3) Thomas Jefferson like to boink his slaves too
Wow didn’t know you could learn about Sex and American History while eating shabs.

So my coworker was late to work today..
his excuse was he was dreaming he was cuddling with jenna jameson and didn’t want to get up.

The fruit cake lady is bad ass.
My husband wants to have sex with me all the time.. what should I do?
<in the most hick accent> Say NO. say HELLLLLLLLLL no. simple as that.
freakin hilarious


Monday, June 20, 2005
my old roomie cracks me up:
pseudo boyfriend...hmm...sounds just like my last job..
i get a cool title, but no benefits : P -pchoi


Monday, June 20, 2005
"Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state.
Being in love shows a person who he/she should be." -Anton Chekhov


Monday, June 20, 2005
Despite the language barrier,
facial expressions and tonality in speech can be universal.
There is nothing that can touch the heart more
than listening to a father that has just lost his son.

May you wander peacefully with the angels and watch over us with your grace
Mr. Benjamin Vu.


Sunday, June 19, 2005
i went to the cemetary today for daddys day and i couldnt believe how many flowers i saw carpeting the lush green hills. every year it surprises me more than the last. funny how on non-holiday days the lush green hills are covered with dryed leaves and branches with a few scattered wilting roses here and there.. i guess it takes a designated holiday for people to get off their asses and bring flowers to their departed loved ones. happy fathers day daddy. i miss you.


Saturday, June 18, 2005
forward paddle
high side
six men overboard


Friday, June 17, 2005
Words of wisdom from sam woo fortune cookie.
-Be smart but never show it.


Friday, June 17, 2005
male response to question about girl he just met...
"She's nice but i wouldnt enjoy her twice"


Friday, June 17, 2005
despite the intended direction of the battalion of fiery words,
i was caught in the crossfire,
concluding the pain hurts more than being stabbed by a dull rusty spoon
multiple times in the heart

please spit salty lemon acid in my open wound
apparently you did not know me like you thought you did


Friday, June 17, 2005
please don't add insult to the injury


Thursday, June 16, 2005
MY CONTACT PAGE WORKS NOW!!!!! can we say WoW?!
try it try it... CLICK HERE <<<<-------- ---------- ---
thank you tony you rock!


Wednesday, June 15, 2005
im taking the princeton review for my Gangster-Masters-Admission-Test
ima handle my MBA/JD
watch out world this chick is gonna rock it as a CEO..

I felt like a weirdo when I walked in cuz everyone was all normski in there and I cruised in wearing a camo jacket, ripped jeans and pink heels.. lol. sight to be seen :chuckle:


Tuesday, June 14, 2005
make them stop.
the nightmares are getting harder to deal with.

funny how your scent can linger long after you have left me.
copeland - part time lover


Monday, June 13, 2005
my weakness is
i care too much


Monday, June 13, 2005


Sunday, June 12, 2005
Some very important things I learned about wine this weekend:
1. Pinot Noir is pronounced “Pee-Know Know-Are”
2. “Brix” is the drip system used to water vineyards
3. If a wine barrel has a plug at the top it is called a “Bung”
and the hole it is covering is called the “Bung Hole” [keke]
4. If you swirl the wine you can really actually smell things..
like green apples.. it’s a trip.


Friday, June 10, 2005
Fischerspooner - Ersatz
i still see you in my eyes


Friday, June 10, 2005

who would you rather fuck?
a. a midget stripper with a tight ass
b. a criple with a cerebral palsy punch
c. a pumpkin that aint got no harm with her tick tock arm

haha ok you had to be there.. just for the record i didnt say the above so dont get harsh on me...
i love all peoples.


Thursday, June 9, 2005
I watched sideways yesterday. Interesting movie.. kinda dragged but when I think back to the overall storyline and the taste it left in my mouth, it wasn’t as sour as I thought.

It made me think about how we think our problems are so horrible at the moment they occur but in reality there are worse things that can happen to you. For example, I am 24. I feel like ive been pretty jaded by the whole relationship, soul-mate, love lost, I think you’re the one but maybe you aren’t roller coaster of emotions but in respect to the timeline of life all this heartache is just the beginning. It is only human nature that we put our guards up after getting hurt because we refuse to get hurt in the same way all over again… I don’t want to sound cynical but if you haven’t watched sideways you can stop reading right now.

Its about this one dude who was married to this chick that basically was “the one” for him.. to simplify for the sake of less reading/typing, she loved wine just like he did and had one of the most sensitive pallets ever.. somehow along the way she started making him feel like shit so it drove him to have an affair with Becky.. (ya um not a good excuse and ewww I hate that name because a certain cheerleader in high school had the same name that skeeeeetskeetskeet) but anyhow.. they got divorced and luckily didn’t have any kids even though he wanted some but at least it wasn’t a messy divorce.. so he thought he was over it but he finally realized he lost a good thing when he found out she got remarried.. so the dudes best friend gets married and he saw his ex wife at the wedding .. she introduced him to her new husband and he took it like a man.. so im gonna rephrase this in eileenglish since I cant remember exactly what they said:

Dude: “well I’m stoked you’re happy.. now lets go to the reception and get our wine on”
Chick: “um no drinking for me”
Dude: “What the heezy? You stopped drinking wine?”
Chick: “well I’m pregnant”

Ouch. I know its hard to conceptualize the impact of this conversation if you haven’t seen the movie yet, especially since its in eileenglish, but when I heard her say that my heart dropped. Its one thing to lose someone you were dating or to lose your girl/boyfriend of 4 years but its another thing to lose the one you were married to and find out that they are remarried, happier than they were when they were with you and to top it off they are now bringing a new life into this world that you had no part of. Ouch.

Marriage Fear Factor Scale from (1-10: 1 being least scared and 10 being mortified) is now equivalent to 10.


its not like me to wear it on my sleeve
count on that for sure.
-jimmy eat world


Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Got a call from my roommate from college. He was such a fun guy to hang around.. taught me a lot about life..boys..guns..police dogs.. lol much like an older brother..

So hows the boy situation?
Just remember your stock expires with your old age.
Your stock may be high now but I just don’t want to see you settling.

Aww words of wisdom from “the man.” He was such a pimp.. new girls shoes at the bottom of the stairs, all different sizes, everytime I came home.. despite his rico suaveness, he taught me a lot about proper dating etiquette since I was the biggest tomboy at the time. I was such a young little tadpole.. sigh. Funny how much you can change in seven years.


Wednesday, June 8, 2005
does he give you the heebie geebies?

i had a profound brain thingy and i want you to have my crown.
umm.. i cant take your crown
no worries i have a bigger one with a gecko on it.. look at it jiggle

since when did lemurs from madagascar have indian accents?


Tuesday, June 7, 2005
funny how a crayola crayon entitled portabello can stir up emotion.
oddly fascinating.

yeah i know what you mean... getting hurt sucks we're all human... were gonna get hurt or hurt someone sooner or later... forgiving is the hardest thing to do, i think...

Some tension is necessary for the soul to grow, and we can put that tension to good use. We can look for every opportunity to give and receive love, to appreciate nature, to heal our wounds and the wounds of others, to forgive, and to serve. -- Joan Borysenko


Tuesday, June 7, 2005
Honey I'm a prize and you're a catch
and we're a perfect match,
like two bitter strangers,
and now I see the long,
the short of it and I can make it last

I see the sunshine in your eyes,
I'll try the things you'll never try,
I'll be the one that leaves
you high...

pavement - spit on a stranger


Monday, June 6, 2005
i cooked adobo today
i'm becoming domesticized.. this is scary

my clothes are almost all organized now. the impossible is almost achieved.
moving is a bitch.


Monday, June 6, 2005
So im in the shower this morning and I swear this is where I can conceive all of my mind boggling ideas. I’m gonna get computer geek for a second so here’s the scenario. My quickbooks on my laptop doesn’t work for some odd reason. I have vpn on my laptop so I am definitely most productive at night when I am able to correspond with our international channel partners via email and the use of quickbooks since anyone in business knows that your quickbooks file is like gold. If my quickbooks file was erased the entire company would go down. Luckily I have this kick ass server that has a mirrored hard drive and we do backups on a daily basis. Anyhows… so at work I am always on my laptop but lately ive been having to run to the other desk to log onto quickbooks so its been especially cumbersome to be efficient lately because most of the time I am the multi tasking queenbee. So it finally hit me that I could totally just remote control desktop my server from my laptop and log onto quickbooks from my desk without running around.. err duuhhhh.. yup all you “IT” people are like umm Eileen I could have told you that in a second but hey…
does it look like I was an ICS major?! I pay people to do that sh*t.


Sunday, June 5, 2005
pink checkered vans size 5 toddler. charlene's gonna be the most rockin 1 yr old in simi.
always a blast to see the old school homies.

chuckled at my justin timberlake doll. my room looks like it got stuck in 1998.
i miss home home.


Saturday, June 4, 2005
shopping is my stress reliever... came up on a stussy blazer size xs today. its a "wow" fits perfect.
i'm limiting myself on buying only "wow" items from now on.


Friday, June 3, 2005
danger dogs are absofreakinfantabulous after getting all hot and sweaty in a club.


Friday, June 3, 2005
in reference to bringing the "wifeys" to a club:
" why bring sand to the beach..right ? "


in reference to FTF's:
"im just saying, keep the hands and feet in the vehicle at all times..
let one head do the thinking
and that’s the one on top of your neck not below the belt."


in reference to the X factor's:
"if a man doesn't know how to treat a woman well the first 2 times around...
well you can't make a tiger change its stripes."


Thursday, June 2, 2005
Color is overrated.
Its all a façade.
Gotta dress the part to play the part.

I can see clearly
That there’s no love lost between us
Misguided, lost child, I pray for you
I hope that your lies can keep you warm
Handsome boy modeling school – greatest mistake

dl: natalie -energy
im diggin.


Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Moving is a bitch. Im gonna miss my old apt.. lookin out the window on those rainy days and watching the droplets softly caress the palm trees as they traveled down the leaves. It was beautiful sitting on the balcony gazing at the dimly lit office buildings that line jamboree. My bathroom was enormous… and my closet was to die for. Good good good times there have been within these walls... But hey change is good right? Im moving into a really awesome neighborhood.. looks like mr. rogers neighborhood or something you would see in a movie. It’s a place where everybody knows your name and razoring down the newly paved streets is the evening pastime. Its going to be an interesting summer indeed.


Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Everytime when your name was brought up
I would act all nonchalant, in front of an audience
like you was just another shorty I put tha naughty on

why are you making me so insecuuurRr


Tuesday, May 31, 2005
whisper to me softly
i can hear you
amidst the crowd

dream of aching tragedy
crowds of familiar faces
heat of mysterious stares

kill me gently
i wouldnt want to wake you
in my slumber

watch me die a thousand times again
I just want to make it go away


Tuesday, May 31, 2005

story of my life

he is rad:


Tuesday, May 31, 2005

E: nice hat
K: i got it from an old woman i found on a small raft who knitted it while i drank tea from which she offered.. and then she whispered in my ear, "ruca"


Quite possibly the best myspace message ever ever and ever ever:
Date: May 31, 2005 1:40 PM
please answer for my class..who would you stomp on if you were 1000 feet tall and explain in detail how youd step on them?

RE: hi
i would step on my ex-best friend because..... umm yah..
and i have been severly jaded ever since.
i would squish her slowly, leaving the stripes from my argyle sock
imprinted on her face while she screams in pain and agony, begging for mercy.
does that suffice?


Sunday, May 29, 2005
there is something so wonderful about drinking seven glasses of champagne then walking around the wynn hotel a million times in an endless circle, buzzed from 3pm - midnight.


Saturday, May 28, 2005
fuck charles david. he is an evil man that obviously does not know the shape of a womans foot. hence the blister on my ankle dammit.


Friday, May 27, 2005
ant your voice is angelic
vegas count = 6
played pai gow. i lost. but the old taiwanese man betting on my hands came up.
i didnt even get a tip boo. spilled beer on the table cuz im such a klutzoid.
but hey i won BIG** at the atm. hardyharhar


Friday, May 27, 2005
From the start it was shaky and the characters rash,
A nice setting for heart ache where emotions come last
All I have deep inside, to overcome this desire
Of friendly intentions and fair-weather smiles


Friday, May 27, 2005
my hubby misses me apparently.


Friday, May 27, 2005
So I checked my friendster after a million years and it is so intense now. They got all super high tech showing bdays and horoscope signs.. wowie talk about upgrade. Anyhows.. I haven’t gotten one of these in awhile so I thought id share.. it still cracks me up that people write this kinda stuff.. hardy har har.

Date: Sunday, May 15, 2005 9:37:00 AM
Subject: Eileen my Teen Queen
Message: Eileen Eileen Eileen
So so so pristine
I don't want to be forward or mean
But you're one crazy teen
You're the girl of my dreams
So I'm looking forward to sleeping
I'll bring the peaches and cream

Eileen Eileen Eileen
You're a beautiful Queen
I'ld send you an empire
Made of love never before seen.

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm drunk but I tried.

Name: Long
E-mail: xxxxx@hotmail.com
Sex: Not yet
(I left out his email so he doesn’t get emails saying how corny he was)


green volcom belt with pink puzzle pattern. if you happen to find it please return.
I miss it a lot :sniffsniff:

p.s. santa ana has some gnarly roaches. icky.


Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Inspirer


As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good at it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

Jungian functional preference ordering for ENFP:
Dominant: Extraverted Intuition
Auxiliary: Introverted Feeling
Tertiary: Extraverted Thinking
Inferior: Introverted Sensing

take this.. its amazingly dead on.


Thursday, May 26, 2005
rough draft.
I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes, that make me melt inside
And if it's healthier to leave you be,
May a sickness come and set me free
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me...
like a saturday night i'll be gone before you knew that i was there


Thursday, May 26, 2005
ima dust my chin off
maybe if you're lucky
you catch some eileen dust


Wednesday, May 25, 2005
you always know where i am
by the way the road goes.
when i look into your eyes
i see happiness nonetheless
i see sadness nonetheless
ironically the sea always
leads me back to you.

"Take this, its supposed to give you good luck"
says one bunny rabbit to the other as he rips his foot off.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005
if we can L


Tuesday, May 24, 2005
SoHo. Corner of Broadway & Spring.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005
As we lay there intertwined,
he gave me a long slow look,
as if he were deciding something,
and then he allowed himself to blush,
the color suffusing his face
in a delicious mottle of pink and white.


Monday, May 23, 2005
this is the bestest flower ever

cheesy like velveeta
makes retreating less desirable


Monday, May 23, 2005
this has a brain
this has a brain
this has a brain

wow the bruises on my legs look like im in an abusive relationship that I dont know about
where the heck did i get these things?

Sunday, May 22, 2005
If I had to be stuck in a moment in time forever.. it would be with you
Sunday, May 22, 2005
we won!
team effort
dusting chin off

rollin sleeves up.. twice baby.. count that shhhh*... twice.. ten minutes..
uhhh huhHHhh thats my shhhh*


things are weird.
im confused again.
i hate being confused.
i dont want to think but its hard not to.
i want to hide in a nice fluffy, marshmallowy, castle in the sky..

Saturday, May 21, 2005
went to a wedding. only 4 months and they are married now.. they were both 21.
wow. i cant imagine getting married at 21. shiby.
it was in TO yey close to my hometown aka "the shire" luckily i didnt see anyone from little house on the prairie or any characters from lord of the rings. it didnt occur to me how lush and green ventura county was until this week. going from phoenix to the county of orange and then back to the 805 really made me realize how pretty and serene my hometown is. its a great place to get away from the hustle and bustle of the fast paced life, slow down and start a family.. guess its something to consider when that fateful day should come.

i havent drank in 2 days. whoa. i need an EIneken soon or im gonna implode.
Friday, May 20, 2005
mint julip wasnt so tasty after all. its better at disneyland
saw my parents and it was super good times. it was really awesome to see my entire family finally get together and spend some quality time together. it was my sisters bday.. shes 28 now. or at least she will be on the 27th. she looked really really happy. i am glad she's happy now, shes been through a lot over the past couple of years so she deserves it. happy bday dinner Tjoy
good food good company
"I think I'm in heat.. that guy keeps taking pics of me.. whats his deal?" -not said by eileen

to retreat or not to retreat, that is the question..........................
Friday, May 20, 2005
there was so much traffic. i must have been going about 5 miles per hour. i look to my side and i see a yelllow school bus and notice a little boy waving at me. i thought it was super cute so i waved back. he couldnt have been more than 8 years old. my lane starts speeding up but the school bus soon catches up next to me again. now instead of one boy there are 3 boys in the window, two of them waving at me. aww how cute. so i smile politely and wave back. my lane moves forward and now i'm only one exit away from work but the school bus catches up to me again. this time i sense someone flagging me down. as i look over, to my surprise 2 boys are waving at me and one has his index finger and middle finger in the shape of a v next to his mouth and he is proceeding to lick the window in an incredibly repulsive way. wOw. they must teach em young these days.. dayam santa ana is gaNgsterrrrrr.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
and so ends the saga.. tiny, genius yoda be

"A Jedi can not have the fear of losing something, losing creates jealousy, jealousy is the shadow of greed. You must let yourself go from all things that you are afraid of losing"
Thursday, May 19, 2005
something I just remembered or found written on some random piece of writing surface but forgot to right down on that day.

John Hancock Observatory. Rising 95 floors on an elevator with the woman in the rabbit jacket and the man whose smile radiated with love for her. The disposable Kodak pic should turn out great. It was if they were in their own world because they couldn’t keep their hands off eachother. I could only hope that when I turn 50 years old I will be as madly in love as they still are.

you love me but you don’t know who I am. puddle of mud. chicago incomplete.

Note to self. When the drink stops the fun begins.
As cliché as it sounds beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
11:45pm cherry in the tom Collins reminded me of Nikki’s cherry trick. Quite shrewd of her timely implementation of this maneuver at garden not so long ago. Gotta keep in minf tho, life is not always a bowl of cherries.

At what point in a relationship do you realize that you love a person..
A lot
You may not be in love with them
It’s a viscous cycle that is hard to get away from
But once you do, there is no looking back.

Green onion pancakes with fried egg. Cant go wrong with that on a nice Sunday NY morning.

Heard from stinky bum with nappy hair.
What did the judge say to Michael jackson’s mom when he was convicted? I’m sorry miss Jackson.. I am ferrrrreaaaaaaaaL. Mind you all of this was sung while he was dancing a drunken little jiggy jig. Haha. Guess you had to be there.

I am the big bad wolf
You are the mere little red riding hood
I am to devour.. be very scurred.

Basquiat- inspiring

Pay for soup
Build a fort
Set that on fire

Plush safe he think

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Have you ever had an uncontrollable urge to do something
that you know you absolutely shouldn’t
but when you finally convince yourself to do it
you realize the underlying reason
for why you were so inclined to do it in the first place?

take each day like a grain of salt
think nothing more
think nothing less

five staples ouch. feel better soon.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Ive always been really insecure about my boobs. Blegh. I am positive that I suffer from boob envy especially after watching as much porn as I have throughout my life. Today however my perspective has slightly changed. Being taken out of your element is truly an eye opener. I guess im used to partying next to the tiny little girlies that had their daddy’s drop 5k for some fakies to flaunt around at the clubs. It was nice to sit out in the blistering Arizona heat today and observe the actual majority of women that populate the earth. I don’t know if it was a high school swim team or what but all 12 of the waitresses at the poolside bar probably had a collective median breast size of 32A but they were honestly banging. There was one though that did me in. her face was absolutely gorgeous but she turned around and had zero boobs. Actually zero would be flattering.. she had negative boobs. In any case she was beautiful and it gave me reassurance..

sometimes I may dwell too much in the artificial
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
It is settled.. I am going to go to Madagascar for my honeymoon.
I want to pet a lemur.

I need to buy a house stat.
Either Chandler or Buckeye.
Im falling behind in the rat race.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I have probably seen the bb video about 2.183 billion times now. Whats up with the grass shot? Um can we say cutting room floor please?

1.5 hours of observing conversations that did not include me. I was the only one carded at the steak house. I am also the only one that knows our A/R A/P & balance to the cent. The food was excellent but the seven “suits” around me were not. You really don’t realize how "W" of a world it is until you venture out of your comfort bubble. Roomate kept me entertained as follows:

Roommate outlook on older women:
K: the older the berry the sweeter the juice.

Roommate outlook on couple that just got engaged:
E: Wow that is super cute
K: There goes his life

Roommate outlook on 2 hottie chicks sippin on Cosmopolitans close to us:
K: I can smell the poison P from here.. it’s not good, its not bad, but definitely distinct.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Int toy fair
Life size jenga who woulda thunk it
Freakin bad ass.

He makes me work
He makes me feel insecure
He is trying to change me into something im not
He consumes a lot of my time
He crowds my thoughts
He keeps me awake at night
He challenges my mind
He buys me things
He has taught me more than I could ever imagine
He makes me travel to places I sometimes don’t want to go
He makes me forget that I need to eat at normal hours of the day
He has made me grow addicted to red bull
He asks me questions that I sometimes don’t know the answers to
He is the first thing I think about in the morning
He is the last thing I think about at night
He is work

Monday, May 16, 2005
“hey Eileen back again so soon?”
they know me by name at the airport now

phoenix, az
we started the beeramid
Pporno status shower up in the bathroom
tub full of ice & beer
high school status for sure
phoenix is just an east side connection of the 909
chicks here are core.
they don’t fuk around with their 9 tats and shades in a dark casino at 1130 at night.
mullets must be in here.. I guess I obviously didn’t get the memo
Monday, May 16, 2005
Note to self: peach sangria at olive garden is magical.
Looping = Blurbs
Im glad ive made you think about thinking.
but perhaps I should start retreating.

samy shogun never ceases to make me want to pee in my pants in a hysterical laugh fest.
Tip for a First Date:
"If you are touching her mid back and you are already touching underwear
then you’ve got a problem bro."

mellowdrone – fall on your knees B (check their website)
stars – one more night

Sunday, May 15, 2005
I went to church today.
Hell is being bound to a past and present that you cannot change.
But faith is knowing that you still have the power and ability to change your future.

i think that it's brainless to assume that
making changes to your window's view
will give a new perspective.
if you're blacking out the friction
it's just an escape
death cab for cutie – blacking out the friction
Saturday, May 14, 2005
I saw the bitch today. she acted like she didn’t even know me. Four years later I still feel the same hatred I had towards her when it all came crashing down. Girls are evil and ruthless… and people wonder why I don’t have any girlfriends. They should meet the bitch. Then they would understand.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Every day do something you are scared of.

Napping = good times
It is a small, small world. No doubt.
funny bumping into people while eating pho.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Gangster I was today.
I stole a cell phone from the meanie that kicked out my friends.
Anyone need a new celly?
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I read what I wrote in retrospect and today I decided to type it.

My mom said I was regressing. wow i feel the love.
I think I broke my toe.
I owed my roomie $10 but after last nights “PoisonP” we are even.
I do not believe the use of ice was involved this time.

Arrive at the airport and what are the chances that the same exact flight #, departure/arrival time, switch over in Chicago.. all of this on both April 29 and August 29. darn those 3 letter month abbreviations. They all look similar when I didn’t even bother to check my itinerary. I think I deserve an award for partying like a rockstar til 2am, puking my guts out until 3am, waking up at 5am to do laundry, leaving only 20 minutes to showie and pack for 6 days. So very clutch I am. I even had time to scarf a sausage mcmuffin while waiting in line to board. One question though.. is it my last name or do I just look like a freakin terrorist? I don’t understand why fate would have it that I rendezvous with the TSA every single time I fly. I didn’t see any special stars or symbols on my boarding pass so I’ve come to the conclusion that those lonely, horny TSA old men (and some butchy women) probably just get a kick out of patting down little critters like me and feeling the underwire of my bra for longer than 10 seconds. The german asked for my number. Those germans don’t skip a beat when they attack.

24 : 1

Wednesday, May 11, 2005
"Male desperation....it is the biggest safeguard I have to keep me from having sex. Well, next to wearing ratty granny undies on a first date just so that I would not have sex on a first date." -spoken from the mouth of a true gamer

True love always - sheets

Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Fast forward
That’s the way I feel like things are going right now
I told my roommate he was slurring when he was talking since we were raging that day
In response my roommate said I was slurring my life

I don’t think ive ever told you about my cousin. To make a long story short I am basically living her life all over again. Its interesting how all the issues I have faced to date she has been through and I am proud to have her coach me every step of the way. Too bad sometimes I am just way too hard headed and like to fall on my face before admitting she is right.. but trust me SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Apparently she silently watches my life unfold through my blurbs and today she wrote:

Hey, I checked out your site again.... I read one of your blurbs real fast. I swear this is something that I remember at your old Sun Valley house, a conversation you had with your dad:

Uncle Richard: Who is your favorite person in the world?
Eileen (playing with some empty bottle): Uncle Mar
Uncle Richard (laughing): Are you sure?
Eileen: Yes
Uncle Richard: Very sure?
Eileen (looking up frustrated): Daddy! Yes!
Uncle Richard: Ok, but what about me?
Eileen: Uncle Mar is my favorite person but you are my daddy. I only have one daddy.
Uncle Richard: Yes, only one daddy. (pause) I only have one Eileen and you are MY favorite person.
Eileen: Ok, then you are my only daddy and my favorite person
Uncle Richard: What about Uncle mar?
Eileen: He will be my favorite person tomorrow but you are my daddy always
Uncle Richard (hugging Eileen): You are such a smart girl. You are going to make a difference someday.
Eileen: someday? When is that? Not today?
Uncle Richard: You make a difference every day.
Eileen kisses Uncle Richard on the cheek and gives a big hug. Then throws a fit because Mamang threw away the bottle she was playing with.

I miss my dad too but it's weird to miss someone you do not really know. Besides, what better conversation can a girl have with their dad besides the one above? And yes, you do smile like your dad. He had a contagious smile & his eyes smiled too. No one has ever told me that I look or smile like my dad.....

Have a good one Munchkin.

Intense. I guess I haven’t changed much. I wish I could remember that conversation but I’m glad someone did for me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I cannot believe how much I admire and respect the integrity of the founder of my company. Despite the fallbacks that we have experienced since conception, he has always acted in the best interest of the corporation and I commend him for his strength throughout the legal adversities we have recently been faced with. I revere in the fact that I have been honored to work with such a resilient, dependable individual and I have no doubt we will persevere to success.

there are only two ways to play the game
1) play to win
2) play not to lose
mark my words I will not lose this game

phoenix, az : depart 5/16 return 5/19
gotta put on the sunday best and rock that trade show

happy berfday steavenom =P

Monday, May 9, 2005
words spoken over a bowl of curry
"mistakes often lead to new opportunities"

so i have nothing against a pair of sorority looking asian girls, but seriously..
how you gonna leave 3/4 of a beer pitcher full. they totally wasted precious liquid.
Monday, May 9, 2005
The word for today is baggage.
Everyone has it.

I think once you get past the age of 21 it is pretty much a certainty that you have somehow, someway been severely jaded by the opposite sex in the past. For those of you early bloomers, maybe even younger. So it is practically inevitable that dating after this turning point age can become increasingly difficult to say the least.

Comparison is inevitable but it is how you suppress and overcome it that matters. Every single individual on this entire planet is different. Not only are they unique in their own way but they interact with others in multiple variances as well. For example, lets do a for instance. Say you have absolutely sworn off a particular restaurant because you found out that the “X” factor had taken his/her other prey there during the course of your relationship. Now let’s continue in saying that this is one of those diamond in the rough restaurants that is just absolutely unreal and you water at the mouth craving it. Would you bring someone new there despite the bad memories or would you write it off and never enter through its doors again?

Can you imagine what the world would be like if every time you started dating a new person it was like you were in junior high finally dating your biggest crush, no baggage, no “X” factors, no random hidden skeletons in the closet that will bite you in the ass a couple weeks, months, years down the line. Oh the butterflies that would be jostling in your tummy. Instead we are stuck behind rice paper walls that could tear and break your already fractured heart in an instant.

They always say that pictures tell a thousand words. It is so unbelievably true and it sucks compiling all the thousands of words that invade your head when you glance at an image from your past or even more so, viewing pictures of other people’s pasts. It’s like the life you never knew they had or when looking at your own pictures, the life you forgot you had. The most eerie thing is to look at pictures of your parents from the past and seeing them all happy, young and in love. It hurts even more so when you are seeing how happy your dad was and never getting the chance to get to know him yourself. If i could rub a magic genie bottle my one wish would definitely be to have even just a couple of minutes with him to experience a conversation with him and not try to translate the thousands of words that have been stacking up in my head every time I see him smile in a photograph.

my mom says we smile the same. I can’t imagine what it is like to look into your child’s eyes and see the same smile you said “I do” to… maybe I will be able to give up beer for 9 months one day..

Monday, May 9, 2005
We really work during the day.. i swear.

On 5/9/05 at 3:19pm, Eileen Szymanski <eileen@attux.com> wrote:

Dear Mr. Former BIG BRO Randers,

This letter is to clarify that on Friday, May 6, 2005, I was highly intoxicated and apologize for my lewd behavior and misconduct. Please accept this apology for my lesbian tendencies with your future wife. I would appreciate the removal of any and all images that display forms of female on female actions from your website. Should you decide to keep the images available for display, I will not hesitate on taking legal action.

Thank you for your immediate attention and resolution in this matter.


Eileen Szymanski
Your Former Lil Sis (until the pictures come down)


-----Original Message-----
From: "Randy Tabije"
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 4:05 PM
To: "Eileen Szymanski"
Cc: "James", "Dee", "Dorinan"
Subject: RE: boat party pix

To Ms. Szymanski,

Thank you for your quick attention to the subject matter. This is in response to your letter dated May 9, 2005.

As you know, business here at Pimpin Productions Incorporated, (labeled here on as PP,Inc) is strictly confidential and is only disclosed to trusted sources with many years experience (clients jimee cochrane,d.peau, deeznuts, and former lil sis eileen), granted they are bound by contracts, by word or by loyalty. Only with the breakage of signed waivers,verbal agreements, or pinky swears, then are they allowed to petition the actions of members of PP,Inc. of any wrong doing or breach of contract.

As you may have interpreted from previous attachments and coordination with other parties, especially those pertaining to members of PP,Inc, improper and irrational behavior towards PP,Inc will not be tolerated when an agreement was not created. Expulsion and replacement from the PP,Inc Elite LS Program is immenent and pending.

But due to tentative gestures of good faith and proper conduct from the requesting party, the removal is moved from pending to probationary. As requested, the images displaying lesbian tendencies and other female on female actions will be removed.

If, after these removals, legal action is still pursued upon PP,Inc, a strict meeting between all parties involved will be held. Our attornies Jimee Cochran and D.Peau will be at our defense as well as our witness Ms. Decolongon. I would hope you take this as a lesson for my team and clients are well armed and knowledgeable in the arts of mass distribution and sales. We hope this will put a closure on the current situation.

If you have any further questions, our hotlines are open 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Yours truly,
Randy R. Tabije

Sunday, May 8, 2005
Whoever invented the crest vanilla mint toothpaste is both sick and twisted.

So I was eating teppan with my family for mothers day and I saw this girl I knew from high school. I totally put her on a pedestal. She was one of those cool girls that all the guys jocked hard.. super pretty and always at her best. It was strange that seven years later here we both are only difference is now she was serving and i was being served. boy how things change.

Saturday, May 7, 2005
Im gonna get a dog
I want a boxer
I will name him Dinner
Thursday, May 5, 2005
You know how people have those magnets on their fridges with all the cartoon faces to express your feelings. well... I feel queezy.
Tuesday, May 2, 2005
Sunday, May 1, 2005
The city doesn’t sleep.
Talk about ass for days, I personally witnessed ass for years. Homie was handling the badonkadonk karate kid wax on wax off.

Conversation with infactuated bootylicious hoarder:
¼ mile high member: handle that sh*t
Hoarder: naw man its too much
¼ mile high member: I never WANT TO HEAR THAT AGAIN!!! MANNN you could put a silver dollar on that @ss.
Hoarder: haha.. you know what I’m sayin son!

Like a tongue stuck to a frozen pole, his hand was clamped tightly between her thighs holding on for dear life (bootyclapclapclap) one could only imagine what lies beneath the Himalayas could it be a leopard like bungee cord?

Juniors pizza and subs. I really wanted calamari but the guy is allergic to seafood. apparently he couldnt make the calamari. Umm don’t you wear gloves? sorry buddy no can do on the calamari. but ill give you some of the white wine sauce we use on the food. so it was delivered in plastic pepsi cups with a tinge of yellow. tasted more like vinegar soy sauce than white wine. I was not a happy camper. evidence i am not as alcoholic as i thought i was or else i would have drank that nastiness.

I made her come out of her element.
I made him come out of his.
Simple case of t&h
To indulge in a mascarade of epiphanies

Saturday, April 30, 2005
Volatile: I remember when I was in that scenario when I would go to the bathroom and my boyfriend would accompany me and when I got out he would be no where in sight. So i I would go back to our table and when he would finally come back he would be irate yelling off how he was waiting for me to get out of the little girls room and here I was the whole time enjoying myself at the table while he was there waiting patiently for me. I am so glad I am over that. What is the point of getting mad over something like that when there are so many more important things in life to worry about or argue over. Like umm you lied to me about 4 girls or I never loved you..

anyhow. Moral of the story, keep trucking.
you never know what you may encounter while wandering off on the road less traveled.

(Written on a napkin that was placed under my stella)
Hooray for accordions. I have a new appreciation for this unique instrument and the utilization of this tool in jazz. So I went to a concert tonight and by the looks of the crowd it was definitely a J-unit thing and not a G-unit event. Middle aged mom was rockin the playboy leather jacket. By the third song she was chugging her water bottle like a horse that just completed traveling through the Oregon trail. Yah you know that game you played on the two tone green screen in elementary. I actually feel like a minority. Especially after he busted out with the “Romania” whoa.

Dayam those “Starers.” They are almost as bad as the “Lurkers” the only difference is “Lurkers” talk and “Starers” just creep in silence. (Written after a wiley female handed me her business card after staring at me for the most part of the concert.)
Pepcid AC wrote:
“some people express themselves through words;
other “starers” just do it with their eyes”

High five to the Listerine extraordinaire scavenger champion ’89. I could only hope to follow in these footsteps one day.

moral for today:
Don’t ask questions to thoughts that cannot be explained.

Friday, April 29, 2005
So my toe is incredibly hurting. I seriously think I broke it. I can barely put my checkered vans on. I got hug attacked and mounted last night by the birthday girl and somewhere between the point of impact and my back laying on the dirty dave and buster floor, my toe was bent sideways. Ouchie. At least I got kissed 5 times on my piercing last night.. aww yeah.. girls dig the piercing. I am such a mess right now. I went to the dentist yesterday and thought I needed to get my wisdom tooth out cuz it has been incredibly painful the past couple of days. Just as I thought I do need to get them pulled but that unfortunately was not the issue at hand. Apparently I have been inadvertently gnawing off the inside of my cheek. The dentist concluded that tendencies such as this are due to high levels of stress. Ding ding. We have a winner. So she prescribed me some meds and low and behold I was not able to retrieve them from the pharmacy since I had such a busy day ahead of me. Once I was finally able to even read what she had prescribed me the pharmacy was closed and there I sat with the signed paper in my hand thinking how the next time I would be able to hit up the pharm would be when I arrive back next Thursday.

Sitting next to an Italian and a german make for some interesting conversations. I learned something that I could directly relate to the international distribution partners I have to deal with at work. German Ethics: Everything that is not mandatory is prohibited.
So I ask what is there to do in Chicago and Italian tells me about how the RV driver for the Def Leopard tour could not find a place to get rid of the waste on the rv.. obviously he was probably inebriated with some sort of illegal chemical so smart driver guy decides to dump the feces and other bodily excretions into the Chicago river thing. As he’s dumping the goodies, the biggest tourist attraction – the architectural boat tour - intersects the brown waterfall and 1 week later def leopard is faced with a multi million dollar lawsuit for showering the patrons on the tour with their excrements. His last sentence.. so yah you should check out the architectural boat tour I heard its fascinating. My response. Umm thanks.. ill look into that.

Right now I feel like I am watching the movie trailer to my life. Its been about 2 months of this fast paced, high stress, no sleep, intense … blah blah blah.. you know how in movie trailers you see the highs the lows the goods the bads the funny the sad the winner the loser. I have seen and been through a lot of things in my life but I can honestly say I have experienced much more in this short time period than I have in my twenty four years of existence. I remember learning in art school that there are only 24 story lines that are encompassed in every single movie ever made. i.e. 1) boy meets girl they fall in love and live happily ever after 2) aliens attack from outerspace 3) a war splits a family in two etc.. all the little details such as what hot young actor/actress they are going to star in the film or the setting, costume design etc.. those are all miniscule in the broad scope of the story line at hand. When I first learned this I really could not believe it. but looking back on this past year I agree wholeheartedly. It should not depend on who the stars of the movie are, its how the story unfolds.

I had a conversation with my husband yesterday and samy shogun mentioned some very pondering things. When you are caught up in a situation you make yourself believe that no one else in this universe could possibly understand you or what you are going through because they have not gone through it themselves. Although they may have gone through something similar you tell yourself that it is not the same and refuse to listen to any advice they have to give regarding the situation. Sometimes we just need a person to listen to us. To give us their ears. Sometimes we just want someone to agree with us to make us feel better. But friends are always willing to provide their advice in situations and im starting to realize that a lot of them have been right all along. Its almost funny to step out of your own shoes and look back at yourself and how you were so enwrapped with a situation that you forgot to look at what else is out there. Once you break free from that cloudy bubble the world seems a lot more beautiful. You realize that you do deserve better and you have been compromising your happiness to make others happy. I say be selfish. i choose my friends wisely and I think that they are not selfish enough. They are constantly working to make others happy and hurting themselves along the way. Of course there is always that one friend that is full of himself/herself and could care less who or what she hurts along the way but those friends come and go. Im talking more about the people that you would call at 3am when you get into a car accident in the rain, the people you would invite to your wedding if you had a maximum capacity of 10, the people you would email your first born baby pics too.. sigh. Im getting older its scary.

Tuesday for sure
Architectural boat tour.

Thursday, April 28, 2005
happy birthday to two of the sexiest people on this planet:


Thursday, April 28, 2005
let the rain fall
i dont care
it washes away
the gloom in the air

follow me now fall on me now slower now
codeseven - alt. wave

many long nights i have encountered this past month.
thank you for being a good wingman tiny blue pill.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Good people are not hard to find
they are hard to keep

Your presence is viral
it spreads without concern
of what is may engulf
throughout its conquer

Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Weakdude11 (11:01:05 PM): the thing that stinks about goin on a date with you though means ..
no chance of making out... dang!
eileenerzz (11:01:32 PM): yah im prude like that
Weakdude11 (11:01:39 PM): lol.. prude
Weakdude11 (11:01:52 PM): what are we? 7th grade?
eileenerzz (11:02:23 PM): no 11th.. i was still prude then too =) innocent delicate little petal i am.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
sneaky peakys are funfun


Re: Misappropriation of “Sleeping” Cutesy Mofo Image

To Whom It May Concern:

We are counsel to Eileen Szymanski. ("Ei"). We write concerning your announced intention of distributing an unlawful and unauthorized image known as “Sleeping” Cutesy Mofo on April 27, 2005. Distribution of “Sleeping” Cutesy Mofo constitutes a serious violation of Eileen Szymanski (“Ei”) as well as defamation of valuable intellectual property rights and will subject you to serious legal remedies for willful violation of federal patent law. We accordingly demand that you cease any plans or efforts to distribute or publicly perform this unlawful posting.

Unless we receive full and immediate compliance with these demands, Eileen Szymanski (“Ei”) will be forced to consider pursuing any and all available remedies at law and in equity. Nothing herein shall be deemed an admission or waiver of any rights or remedies of Eileen Szymanski (“Ei”) and/or her affiliates, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.


/s/ Y. Yoo Playmelikethat

Y. Yoo Playmelikethat
Telephone (direct dial): (212) 202-6969
Email: ucan@suckit.com


Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I can't get past the great wall of china
I hate conquering sideways
Why ask questions that you already know the answers to?
Don’t. You’ll ruin it.

Message from travel buddy afar:
Furtune cookie today while eating at the sushi bar
"You are smart, for you do things smartly."
lucky #s 10, 22, 23, 26, 43

chronological order of flyers from old raves. what a concept. hardy har har.
why do 5 minute conversations turn into cell phone battery fatality.


Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Emily: so were you in love with her?
Olly: yes. I mean I thought I was in love with her… or maybe it was just a lot like love.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me
aqualung – brighter than sunshine


Monday, April 25, 2005
My hair is officially breakin off like crazy. I think all the hair dye is catching up with me. Good thing I have a consultation with one of my idol hairdressers on Thursday. Hopefully we can put an end to this hair madness.

We realized that there is a subway really close to work and really close to where I will be moving to in less than a month. Subway yum. Maybe I should go on the subway diet to get rid of this tubby that has slowly been formulating around my waist. I am really excited about this moving thing though. Its gonna be rad to go home for lunch and catch a quickie/power nap. That’s what I need. Sleep. Sleep has been nonexistent for a while now. It just seems like there is not enough time in the day to possibly complete all that you have planned.

faxed to me at 3:08pm today:
when i grow up...
i want to drive a porsche with eileen sitting in the passenger seat.

Written on a green ripped post it note.
Question: Are you having fun singing?
Response: Indeed I am.. serenading is subtle. Maybe it’s a dream and if I scream
it’ll burst at the seam and the whole place will fall into pieces.

Fortune cookie: You will travel to many places.
[friday april 29 and so it begins]

I’m trying not to be so antisocial
Truth be told, I’m not entirely hopeful
I’ve woken up on one too many floors
But my favorite was yours
there is a boy that never goes out - lucksmiths


Sunday, April 24, 2005
I am suffering from a severe case of morals.
It must be hereditary.

Never a dull moment in vegas with smashing company.
count = six
pure bliss.

Whats the deal with that hot shit head toss?
Dirty Sanchez - Fucking on the Dance Floor

My future kids names:
first child : aye
second child : bee
third child: see

There are two people in life that will haunt your dreams at night:

1) the one that got away
= the one that you couldn't imagine your life without.. and now you are no doubt, without

2) the one that got away and never gave you the time of day
= the one you secretly lusted over.. "you breathed by their looks but they looked right through you"

stinky pear with the thumb = new expression, signifying pinky swear
all i ask is that people don't lie to me. i've been lied to enough this year.

so i mentioned before i am in love with the idea of being in love.
i went to a wedding yesterday and i couldnt be happier for the young couple that have been together since high school. absolutely unreal. :sigh:

i'm going to stare at my eyelids now.
til it be morrow.


Friday, April 22, 2005
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
and you'd want to call me..
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...

But for now I'll look so longingly
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me

swelling is depleting.


Friday, April 22, 2005
i woke up and concluded that today was most definitely a hat day.

i shun one fifty one.
why is it that my head was in a toilet
and my roomie’s was being tended to.

i got the bestest jackie ever last night.
It is absolutely remarkable.
I wanted to wear it to sleep.

I want to watch a lot like love. I feel like its gonna be one of those sappy love stories where they go through this roller coaster of emotions blah blah blah.. if you love them let them go and if they come back it was meant to be. What a bunch of absolute crap. Oh yah and in the end they magically fall in love and buck buck like crazy hamsters, buy a quaint little house with a white picket fence, have 3 beautiful kids and a dog. Yup I gotta see it for sure cuz I highly doubt I will ever follow a path similar to that.

Running full speed ahead. I don’t think ive shut my eyes for longer than 4 hours for the past 2 weeks. This is insane. No games. Please no games. I’m tired. I don’t want to play anymore.

Painting without colors, it tends to make it better, it bleaches out the world.
the anniversary - all things ordinary


Thursday, April 21, 2005
You want me?
Fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches

radiohead - talk show host

five days no regrets


Wednesday, April 20, 2005
lip update. still fatty.

You must feel pretty pimp
when you are sitting at a restaurant and a group of 7 girls
are sitting at the table parallel taking blatant pictures of you in the background.

or even better is when a random waitress, that wasnt even really our waitress
comes up and asks if you want some more water
even though its quite obvious that you are so not drinking water.
mind you this whole time she only asks the innocent prey
and not the company at hand. hmpf.

Next time we go out, you’re not invited.

mind the land, mind the people, too many minds.. no mind


Tuesday, April 19, 2005
its swelling majorly.

I got two wicked papercuts today. they hurt more than my new piercing.
I think pain hurts so much more when you least expect it.

but time heals all wounds.


Monday, April 18, 2005
i finally did it.

it would have been easier if someone was there to hold my hand.


Monday, April 18, 2005
Keane is amazing.

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

I almost peed in my pants from laughter at lunch. I learned two very important things today that I probably should have ear muffed.

You take out a girl from dinner. Observe what she orders either:
a) orders a prime rib with mashed potatoes and chocolate chocolate fudge cake
b) orders a light salad with no dressing so as not to have onion or garlic breath

If she chooses A you are so not getting ass tonight. You will be lucky if you even get to cuddle because she will probably be squeezing her butt cheeks together trying not to let out any gaseous fumes.

If shes chooses B be prepared because you will probably be getting head in the car on the way home and you will most definitely pull some tail and horizontally jazzercise more than once that night.

If you have an undesirable urge to get laid pick the most broken down, ruined girl with low self esteem and make her feel sexy. It’s a win win situation. Too bad this doesn’t work the other way around =/ lol

Sing the song and the women will dance.

gobble gobble gobble.
I was going to buy you the game. I wanted to play it with you. I thought you understood. I found a bug in my water at work today. I almost drank it. Protein yum. Someone explain this to me please, I don’t get it. ~rest is a good thing, but boredom is its brother.~ Im very impatient. I get bored easily. My mind wanders. Im a perfectionist. My mouth talks faster than my brain comprehends. I need to take polaroids. There is no magic photoshop in a Polaroid. There is something so raw and beautiful in the washed up unsharp image… washed up.. unsharp..
perhaps the mirror of the image is a reflection of emotion.


Sunday, April 17, 2005
There is not enough "L" in this world.
i miss L.

vegas count = 5


Saturday, April 16, 2005
Popcorn & ranch
Who woulda ever thunk it
So good so good

I drive home from the garden of eden.

I sit there pondering how it is humanly possible that I am able to consume the amount of beer that I have been partaking in.

I applaud myself for my warrior status of successfully completing an entire week of sleep with an approximate cumulative span of 18 hours.

I revel at the fact that I was able to provide assistance to a company that does not even know the exact amount of dollars they have in their bank account.

I am,
the only individual with an educated grasp of the company’s financial status.

I reminisce of the adolescent thrill of riding a roller coaster.

I sit in traffic

Traffic becomes parking lot

Asphalt lit by ray of sunlight
beaming from the helicopter encircling above

The lot turns into a circus of horns
aggravated screams from the four wheeled machines

The zebra sirens weave through the entanglement
candycane flashes uncover path to death
mustang smokes from being ripped in half
body lies in crimson disarray

I sat there thinking to myself,
why do I have such a small bladder,
almost that of a two year old?
How is it that I was able to work at a company that is in dispute,
ride engineered roller coaster thrills,
eat lethargic food coma Mexican food,
drive 70 miles home
masturbate in shower
put on face
mechanically force hair to not stick up
try to find an outfit that screams “I need to get laid”
in a conservative type of way
drive 50 miles
convince bouncer that the i.d. is really me
purchase a green bottle
discuss lack of game with hot girl
drive to county of orange
squeezing thighs together so as not to accidentally laugh and trinkle
and screech to a halt

the red lights were seen a block to the north.
The car parallel reeked of alcohol from the four blond guys alluding to the physical gestures of sexual misconduct towards me.

I was getting impatient.
The blue oval was providing little comfort in the awkward position
How could it be possible that a person could experience this much resistance in a 24 hour period.

The horns ailed in agony
Did something happen


flight to vegas 7 hours away.
eileenglish for "gnarly week"


Friday, April 15, 2005
so i had a lot of time to think this past week
and i think that i don't want to waste time thinking anymore
i am in the exact same predicament i was in
when i first began thinking
and i think that it sucks to think too much

why are people scared?
just run through sprinklers with me
it will help make the thinking go away


Thursday, April 14, 2005
1st act.. pretty funny kinda made me chuckle
2nd act.. snoring. if this guy is a comedian then i'm a gynecologist
3rd act.. wanted to pee in pants.. absolutely off the chair, uncontrollable,
cheeks hurt from smiling too much

blue is the word for the day
blue sky
blue on my navigation bar to the left of this blurb
blue balls
blue glass that i'm drinking water out of
blue is the word of the day

please refer to past entry
Tism - Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

it is confirmed.
something is definitely wrong with me.
sniffle sniffle

question of the day:
would you carve a girls name on your arm with a wooden bookmark?


Wednesday, April 13, 2005
is something wrong with me?

maybe i'm just too sticky.
sticky.. that must be it.
at least i won't fall off right?

The Servant - Cells
all i do i want to do with you


Tuesday, April 12, 2005
hi, i'm a stranger... jump.
or maybe i'm just a liger sitting next to an anteater.
shabu shabu.. yum.
thirteen conversations about one thing... ? um. yah.
red wine. red cheeks.
closer. ouch. stabbing heart.
smell. intoxicating.
sleep nonexistent.

first word: redoubt \rih-DOWT\, noun:
1. A small and usually temporary defensive fortification.
2. A defended position or protective barrier.
3. A secure place of refuge or defense; a stronghold.

kind of ironic.. the whole suggestion of a defense mechanism.
i guess sometimes we just need to take that risk.
shivers at neck.

I can't take my eyes off of you.

Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter


Monday, April 11, 2005
with great pain comes great pleasure


Sunday, April 10, 2005
So I recently discovered an interest in the following:
(in no particular order)

1) dictionary.com
2) collecting eye boogies in a jar for future sculpting
3) monet
4) approx. 10 movies I need to rent at blockbuster
5) an old man found on a broken road selling herbs that are absolutely intoxicating..
(in a daydreaming, this cannot possibly be real.. way)
6) road trips
7) aggressive pick up lines
8) wearing all white with a red wall in the background
9) biting
10) eating orange chicken with a spoon
11) computer nerds
12) msn messenger
13) big heads, big egos
14) valley of fire
15) google desktop search
16) butterflies that have flown away and one caterpillar that is apparently in a cocoon state until further notice

Strangely enough, I don’t think I have smiled this much in a very long time.
No more looking back.. gotta make it count!


Saturday, April 9, 2005
why am i such a compulsive pessimist?


Thursday, April 7, 2005

Profile question:
Who would you like to meet?

Someone that can look me in the eyes
and be completely honest with me.

I would like to meet someone that will not hurt me.
Someone that will not sleep with my best friend…
on more than one occasion.
Someone that will not lie to me
4 more times
about 4 different girls
after that.

I want to meet someone that I can cuddle with.
Someone that won’t steal the blanket.
Someone who’s shoulder I can nuzzle my head comfortably in.

Someone that I can watch tv with while all of our friends are out getting drunk.
Someone that is down to experiment with cooking even though I suck at it.

I want to meet someone that will go to random places with me
just to take pictures.

Someone that will just hop in a car with me
with a backpack and water
with no planned destination
but the simple assurance of having each other.

I want to travel.
I want to travel with someone that will recognize
the beauty in the ordinary as much as I do.

I want someone that will tuck me in at night
and slobber me with kisses
in the morning before we go to work.

I want someone that appreciates me.
Someone that is interested in what I have to say,
Someone that will share my goals, my passion and my future.

I don’t just want to fall anymore..
I want to fall
in love.


Wednesday, April 6, 2005
im growing immune to the little blue pills


Tuesday, April 5, 2005
not all happiness is glitz and glamour


Monday, April 4, 2005


Sunday, April 3, 2005


I hate..


It just sucks.

Its like you really want to do something but you can’t. Either you can't because you physically are not able to or because you tell yourself you can’t. Which one do you think is worse? That’s a tough one huh.

Physically can’t = Mentally want.

Mentally can’t = Physically want


Its funny because this totally makes sense as im typing it but I know im gonna read this tomorrow and ponder.. umm.. what the heeby geeby were you thinking about?

This is the part where eileen sits in front of her computer, drinking a Heineken while downloading new music and eating cheddar and sour cream potato chips. Healthy dinner. I wish I could hire someone to control what I eat. That would be so rad. To just have full 4 course meals ready to go when im hungry. Sigh~ so rad.

But I guess if we had everything we wanted then life would be pretty damn boring.. (refer to past entry) yah.. im trying to convince myself to believe this but its not working.

Dag nabbit. I just got crumbs lodged in my keyboard.. that’s sexy huh.. crumbs in the keyboard. Oh even sexier…licking the cheese off my finger tips. Yummy. But seriously the sexy award tonight goes to the green bottle. [applause applause]

Today I deleted an mp3.
Third Eye Blind – Deep Inside of You

The trash has been collecting for so long that its time to throw it away.


Saturday, April 2, 2005
Copeland - Sleep
Am I sleeping with my eyes wide?
Am I alone?


Friday, April 1, 2005
i am so disgusted i just want to vomit
you make me sick


Thursday, March 31, 2005
lego seperators do exist.. they are not an urban myth. you got so moded.


Wednesday, March 30, 2005
So I hopped, skipped and jumped on the myspace band wagon again.. yep third time. But hey everyone kept asking if I was on it so bam now I am www.myspace.com/eileeners.

Anyhows.. its really hard to find everyone on it since there are probably a million gazillion people on it now so if you know me, you’re my friend and you’re reading this right now be my myspacer buddy k. keke what a computer dork I am I swear.

Linda made a really really good point about myspace.. “..that thing is like detective private investigator stuff..” it’s so true.. I think it is human nature to be inquisitive about people in your past but its horrible looking at how happy their lives are now without you in it. Ugh. I know at least 3 people that have had to delete their myspace accounts because of their new girlfriend or boyfriend was getting all green eyed monster digging up the skeletons in the closet. Reading comments and postings of your previous loved ones are like having a dull spoon jabbed into your heart.. yup dull spoon. That would hurt way more than a knife trust me.

I say phuck it though.. myspace is all in good fun right? its all so plastic anyways its not like you are going to find your future husband or wife on it that’s for sure. I love how there are the super myspacer girls that pose half naked in the mirror with their boobies or butties all hanging out. You know in real life you probably wouldn’t even give her the time of day but for some reason you see that naughty thumbnail of her and its like a moth to a flame.. you’re on it.

Then there are the people that I am absolutely in love with… gosh those girls are hot. :drools:


Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Tabs720: u have it easy
Tabs720: only hard thing for u is if they're into YOU or just wanna get INTO you

hehe.. big bro is oh so wise.


Monday, March 28, 2005
depression is obsession for attention from you.


Thursday, March 24, 2005
Fortune Cookie Says:
Good to begin well,
better to end well.


Thursday, March 24, 2005
The Greatest Evil is to make someone believe.
When they believe they surrender without a fight.
To avoid being a victim, I will master the art of illusion.
But I wonder.. is that me making people believe
or is that me making myself believe.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Sarah Brightman & Andrea Bocelli - Time to say goodbye

how beautiful is this song?


Wednesday, March 23, 2005
So im sitting here thinking… and I hate thinking because I think I think too much.

3 things happened to me recently.
1) I found something I wasn’t looking for
2) I was looking for something that wasn’t there
3) I lost something and I don’t want to look for it anymore

detail #1: sometimes things are better left unknown. It just sucks when the unknown becomes the known even though you didn’t want to know it.

detail #2: sometimes we try to find a resolution to something that just shouldn’t be solved. Everyone wants to close the chapter on bad things that have happened in the past. its just so easy to be blind to the bad things when all you can think of are the good even if the bad outweighs the good. So its like trying to find comfort in something that was never really comforting to begin with.

detail #3: you can’t love someone if you are so afraid of losing them.

coldplay - trouble


Tuesday, March 22, 2005
lie to me once and its your fault.
lie to me twice and its my fault for allowing you the opportunity to lie to me again.


Monday, March 21, 2005
i have a new found respect and love for the game of monopoly.
vegas was good times with great company.
vegas count=4

i cracked open the trance archives and found some neato tunes.
dj encore - open your eyes
dj encore - i see right through to you


Thursday, March 17, 2005
flin flon - odessa


Wednesday, March 16, 2005
pardon my french, but no more FUCKING FREELANCE!


Tuesday, March 15, 2005
if you don't fight for your dreams, they will haunt you for the rest of your life.


Sunday, March 13, 2005
gnawing off on my tangent. anyone care to join me?


Saturday, March 12, 2005
hello goodbye - two weeks in hawaii
when in rome - the promise

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.


Thursday, March 10, 2005
it has been confirmed. i live with a rock star. check out laguna beach sometime soon and you'll be seeing my pimp roomie getting his study on.


Wednesday, March 9, 2005
i'm so hungry i could eat the ass off a low flying duck

i hate doctors.


Tuesday, March 8, 2005
i feel like a piece of lint

bloc party - so here we are


Sunday, March 6, 2005
How much do we actually know about our friends?
This is a questionnaire to get to know them better.
Read through the comments below about your friend. Have fun!

1. What time is it:
It is 8:56pm

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate:
Eileen Puatu Szymanski

3. Nicknames:
Mouse, Creamer, Whitey, sa-Man-ski, nerdbomber, dorkus, etc

4. Piercing:
yesum.. 8 and counting

5. What is the most recent movie you've seen in the theater:
Hitch.. I was taking notes for sure

6. Eye color:

7. Place of birth:
hollywood, CA

8. Favorite foods:
chicken nuggies and cream cheese wontons yum! oh and walnut shrimp is to die for!

9. Ever been to Africa:
Nope not yet

10. Ever been toilet papering:
hmm not that I can think of

11. Love someone so much it made you cry:
yes yes yes. Don’t remind me

12. Been in a car accident:

13. Croutons or bacon bits:
none im on a no fried things diet

14. Favorite day of the week:

15. Favorite restaurants:
shrewd Chinese food off of walnut in Irvine. Cant beat their late night menu or sam woo walnut shrimp yumm!!

16. Favorite flower:
dandelion.. that would be a real man.. one that could get a bouquet of dandelions

17. Favorite sport to watch:
the rock scissor paper championships (yes they really do exist i swear i saw it on tv)

18. Favorite drinks:

19. Favorite ice cream:
butter pecan

20. Disney or Warner Brothers:
Warner Brothers.. sorry harvey

21. Favorite fast food restaurant:
mcdonalds.. too bad I cant eat it.

22. What color is your bedroom carpet:

23. How many times did you fail your driver's test:

24. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail:
deliastanren@candleboxmail.com trying to sell me viagra and penis enhancements lol.

25. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card:
anywhere in melrose

26. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Write stupid things on my website

27. Bedtime:
any chance I can possibly get

28. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest:
probably randy.. he does this kind of stuff

29. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond:
Eugene. He doesn’t do this crap.

30. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
I duno? Everyone I guess.

31. Favorite TV shows:
Not really a TV person. But if you twisted my arm, I would have to say the OC

32. Last person you went to dinner with:
the genius

33. Ford or Chevy:
Ford mustang '67 black .. saweeet.

34. What are you listening to right now:
supergrass – I’d like to know

35. What is your favorite color:

36. Lake, Ocean or river:
the Mediteranean sea.. i swam in it.. its quite salty..

37. How many tattoos do you have :
None that I know of..

38. Time it took to finish this e-mail:
5 mins.

39. Which came first -- chicken or the egg:
the chicken nuggie

40. How many people are you sending this email to:
im not.. but if you're reading this and you want to send me your response click here i'd love to hear what you have to say!


Saturday, March 5, 2005
happy birthday mommy
happy birthday dennis

vegas count = 3


Friday, March 4, 2005
Okay let's get one thing straight..
i'm NOT an OC chick
i AM a VALLEY chick born and raised
make a note of it


Thursday, March 3, 2005
im glad im not an oc²
only child from orange county


Wednesday, March 2, 2005
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

Aqualung - Strange And Beautiful


Tuesday, March 1, 2005
I have a fever and it hurts when i swallow. someone bring me chicken soup. this sucks.

watermelon halls defense are so freakin fantastic. so is low fat trader joe's chicken noodle soup!


Friday, February 25, 2005


Wednesday, February 23, 2005
akon - lonely


Monday, February 21, 2005
So it occurred to me today while watching wicker park, that everyone has their “one”. You know.. the “one”. The one that you sit there and can stop thinking about. The one that you go to sleep dreaming about and wake up wishing you were next to. The one that you cant imagine your life without and are constantly wondering what they are doing at this exact moment and if in that moment you have crossed their minds in the slightest. The one that probably doesn’t even know you exist or if she/he does, they have no inkling of the feelings that they have conjured up in you. The one that plagues your mind with memories of their presence or the emptiness that is swallowing you whole. The one whose eyes pierce through you with such passionate intensity that it is as if you are the only two people in the room, if not the entire planet. But above and beyond anything tangible, it’s the feeling that you get when you see the “one”. That indescribable flutter that makes you skip a beat like nothing you have ever felt ever.. ever.

Its amazing to think that you could be sitting in front of your computer reading this thinking about your “one” …

And at this same exact moment there is someone in this world that is thinking about YOU
as their “ONE”

so as im watching this movie, the front door of my apt swings open. no joke.. just by itself. its pouring outside like a tropical rainstorm and as i go out on the balcony of my apt i see the most beautiful inspiring rainbow. not just a half ass 30 second thriller it was straight up spanning the width of the gloomy sky and i swear i could see the happiness at the end of that thing.

im hopeless


Sunday, February 20, 2005
interpol - c'mere
It's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves

I think im in love with the idea of being in love.


Sunday, February 20, 2005
i dont understand men.
they piss me off.

boycotting boys for life

:growling.. and no its not a cute growl.. its a RrrAaaAAarr not so happy growl:


Friday, February 18, 2005
supergrass - i'd like to know
I like to wake up in the middle of a dream with you


Thursday, February 17, 2005
wannadies - you and me song


Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Dear Samy,
Am I just a mere supporting player in your theater of perversions?


Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Don’t let the world crush your spirit or your dreams…
sometimes it has nothing to do with you - just timing.


Monday, February 14, 2005
happy single's awareness day =P


Sunday, February 13, 2005
ive never really understood the game of craps but the old lady next to me kept rubbing me for luck. hmm.. i wonder if it really was just for luck or..? eww shibby.


Saturday, February 12, 2005
Zumanity - Cirque du Soleil @ New York, New York Las Vegas

brilliant. probably the best cirque du soleil show ive seen. i gotta see 'O' now.


Wenesday, February 9, 2005
modest mouse at the wiltern tonight. absolutely unreal.

even if things end up a bit to heavy
we'll all float on alright


Tuesday, February 8, 2005

Notes from the desk of James Cossio:


Monday, February 7, 2005
i see thy love in the distance
breathless gasping for air, for in thy dreams you where
awakening to the bleakness in my room
as my eyes begin to blear reality sets and starts the fear
for do dreams come true or do i die alone
waiting like the petals of a wilting flower fall off
until there is non and the once beautiful flowers dies naked
with no one to clothe it
will i hold you in the grave or will the grave hold me?
the numbing dreams never end the swallow's wings still amonsgt
the idle wind
my colored world turns to grayscale
recollecting the memories eyes covered hazel
contradiction of thy thoughts standing calm love not lost
searching till i find my princess whose passionate eyes cut right through me
for what is life if love only exists in thy thoughts?
what is romance if it is all fiction?
nothing but a portrait left empty, a passing cloud of hurt
by to meet my love in the flesh is to find my whole heart
your heart breaks though me your love is the key
longing for my hearts door
to what day till i see sunrays shine upon your face
i dream of you the way you look
the beating of love in your heart
your worlds are like the flowing of a spring, knowing thy love
waits for me until eternity's end
is this poetry or is this love's sickness
engulfing my every being
take the heart from you and the blood ceases from me
i see what you hear
breathe taking the closest thing to me and my savior
falling in love to a person i have never met but knowing she has salvation's fragrance
by God's grace this love will be free and able to fly away above
the earth to a point of exhaustion
but your breath will keep me alive
words are pointless for this love is speechless
preparing for the curtains close
laying their clutching hands so tight i can feel your heart
telling me it will be all right
ascension to heaven where this love can not only walk
but it runs through the endless fields of joy
where love neither ends nor begins but flows everlasting
this was thy dream this daybreak and will by thy prayer
that i will rest sleepless till the sun rises on that day
and butterflies sing with us as we write love symphony
the pages of life fill the story of our love in a time long ago
where fairy tales come true
and you and i my love will live happily everafter.


Sunday, February 6, 2005
love rhymes with hideous car wreck


Friday, February 4, 2005
went to the rvca art show/party. it was awesome.. until they ran out of alcohol.

whats up with the scenesters? super surrounded by OC lush. it probably takes these people 3 hours to get ready just to look sloppy. the smell of hair product made me nauseated.

there's a skate ramp in the warehouse now.. how awesome is that?


Thursday, February 3, 2005
nineteen years ago today I said goodbye to the most important man in my life.
Things have never been the same.


Wednesday, February 2, 2005
snow patrol - how to be dead

This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall
Where you've had me for hours
Till I'm sure what I want

.. I want the same thing that I wanted before

dr. jekyll is wrestling hyde for my pride


Tuesday, February 1, 2005
behind every strong man is an even stronger woman. -ss



Sunday, January 30, 2005
bravery - honest mistake


Saturday, January 29, 2005
andrew yoon you will be missed!

if you don't know, now you know.


Thursday, January 27, 2005
Eileeniology 101: BUFU
bufu = typical asian clubber girl

derived from conversation between fobby asian clubber guy busting pick up line.
scenario: music blasting, lights flashing, stuck up asian girl ordering drink, Mr. Fobulous approaches and question is heard as "What's up Bufu?"
direct translation: "What's up Beautiful?"

conclusion: new lingo "bufu"
thanks d.


Wednesday, January 26, 2005
taking back sunday
you're so last summer
you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it

And all I need to know
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin

This'll be the last chance you get to drop my name


Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Life is sometimes like working at a chocolate factory and hating chocolate. -pete


Monday, January 24, 2005
And I will flail under these lights,
that seep down from the bitter sky tonight
and I will kick and beat my wrists together
and feel an ocean breathing waves, feel them licking at my face.

I'll have to walk a thousand miles
just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
You could throw me down and walk on me
and I'd just look on through my love and through the haze.

Just kiss me before I go.


Sunday, January 23, 2005
mexico is really all about the numbers

3 hours to get to Club Marena
9 people in the cuzzi
13 people packing into a Dodge Astrovan on a spare tire that wasn’t even a designated cab
50 bucks is what the "cab driver" called out to get us to Rosarito
5 bucks is what we ended up paying to get to Rosarito
15 people at El Patio getting their grub on
2 times I witnessed body shots
2 bucks for a Cervesa
5 cervesas in eileen's tummy
10 times I had to go pee at Papas and Beer
6 people jamming into a bathtub
1 stop on the way home cuz I had to pee

conclusion: I pee a lot + mexico is ghetto = good times.


Wednesday, January 19, 2005
6 hours later.. my hair is blonde. well most of it i guess.


Sunday, January 16, 2005
dl: the faint – worked up so sexual


Saturday, January 15, 2005
my brother is so frickin pimp. if i wasnt his sister and i was a guy i would totally want him. (incest is best) lol.

so i fly into vegas and he picks me up. before we make our way home he says he needs to meet up a friend at bellagio. seeing that the party's alredy started on my end, i floated belligerently through the hotel and followed him to "meet up his friend." at this point im starving because i had not eaten lunch yet and needed to tinkle and release the 3 beers that were consumed on my trip over. (no im not an alcoholic) he grabs my arm and leads me into this unmarked side door that was so undercover i thought it was part of the wall. as i enter into this completely posh room i see chocolate covered strawberries, little appetizers and a fully stocked bar completely available to us. so im thinking how the freak did my brother get us in here? either A. he is part of the mafia B. he has performed sexual favors for someone in Bellagio management or C. he's just straight pimp and got the connects in effects. (ha straight ghetto). as i get my grub on he motions me to follow him so i scarf up the last chocolate covered strawberry. (p.s. it was white chocolate.. i hate regular chocolate remember... sheesh as if u didnt know me by now)

we keep walking through the hotel which seemed like eternity cuz i had to tinkle really really bad. after doing some sort of secret handshake or flashing something to the dude that guards that entrance, neil and i go into this room with a couple of private elevators. it was so inconspicuous i felt like oceans 12 or suttin. we get out of the elevator and walk down this long hallway and he slides his magnetic key thingy into the last door in the hall. i enter the room and cant believe what i saw. it was a 1400 sq. ft. executive suite complete with 2 super large plasmas, a tv that slid outta the end of the bed, a tv in the bathroom, a fully stocked bar with tv, touch screen remotes a living room, family room, it was off the hook. and he did this all for his friends to host a murder mystery dinner.

i played the role of bonny lass. she was a chronic alcoholic artsy writer type of girl. (hmm i wonder why he picked me to play her?) the names were super funny Marilyn Merlot,Tiny Bubbles.. it took place at a wine vineyard and long story short i didnt do it! woohoo im not a killer. it was good times sitting there playing the roles though. if you havent played one of those before you should definitely consider it. its only fun though if you select people that are down to play the part and our group totally played it out. i heard theres a white trash one i sooo wanna get that. haha can you imagine? eileen as peggy sue becky ann "naw i aint the killer.. i wuddnt even at the trailer that night i was tippin cows with billy bob" hehe. ok. guess you hadda be there.

ah vegas. i wonder how many times i will be going there this year? so i guess ill start the
vegas count = 1


Friday, January 14, 2005
If you had everything you wanted right now, how boring would life be? -matt


Thursday, January 13, 2005
i did some research and its surprising how many hits my website actually gets.. it actually amazing that a little site like this would get that many. i guess people enjoy reading about my lame life and how i always complain and bitch about it. :high five:

anyways i clicked on my ghetto guestbook that took me 2 seconds to set up and noticed i had some new entries.. low and behold there is a new one from someone i do not know. so i click on his site (for all of you that havent read it http://www.womir.com/porn/ ) and think to myself what the hizzy? is my site now a marketing venue. at first i was a bit peeved.. that is until i started surfing the site. it had DEVON in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! enuff said!
[back to his site i go]

p.s. happy buttday kuya neil.


Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Take my hand, I can show you…


Tuesday, January 11, 2005
so I thought this year might be better but it’s already gotten off to a horrible start. (breaking resolution #1,2,3,& 11) I feel like throwing in the towel on my dream. Today really hurt. I mean really really hurt. ‘he just had the inside track, he knew two people here already and his wife is in the industry.’ Ouch. If I didn’t get it at least tell me it’s because someone else was more qualified or had more experience. Don’t tell me it’s because he had some bros in here or what not..

rejection hurts especially when there isn’t a valid explanation.

at least he called and didn’t leave me hanging I guess but still. did he have to tell me that? stoke mode on scale of 1 to 10 = is super negative right now.


Friday, January 7, 2005
"I will talk to you on a later date in another lifetime." -sammy shogun

so my collection is complete..i finally bought sex and the city season 6 part 2. not very happy was i.
they totally marketed the alternate 3 endings so of course eileen being an avid sex and the city fanatic, i popped in the last dvd first and clicked my way to start watching the 3 endings. to my dismay they were probably each 1 minute long, in the same restaurant setting and the only difference was the dialogue that carrie spoke as follows:
1) “I got with Big in paris”
2) “I got with the Russian in paris”
3) “I didn’t get with anyone.. will you girls marry me?”



Thursday, January 6, 2005
I just passed up the opportunity of a lifetime. [gulp] hard to swallow.


Wednesday, January 5, 2005
Conversation while waiting for kasidi to pick me up from corrective hair action.

Random guy: are you old enough to vote?
Eileen: yes
Random guy: can I ask you a question then?
Eileen: sure why not
Random guy: im in this class blah blah (eileen tunes out) blah blah.. would you vote for me?
Eileen: err no sorry im not interested
Random guy: (super sarcastic and walking away from me) pshh don’t flatter yourself..shit you aint cute anyway.. (mumbles other random shit)
Eileen: (ponders for quick sec and retaliates) Umm if I was trying to flatter myself I woulda came up to your ass and asked you a dumb question.


hair = infinty amounts of different shades and hues of CMYK tones


Tuesday, January 4, 2005
“There’s a gem in every stone.”
big jim’s response to latin american wife with mustache on sale for $7.50 online. for more info, please visit www.latinwomenforever.com

tried to fix black hair now hair is orange. this is horrific. ate sushi. tummy better hair still orange.


Monday, January 3, 2005
i worked out with my roomie "THE PIZZAMAN" [long story but if you see him call him the pizza man] today w00t w00t! my ass feels tight and my legs feel like jello.
p.s. i hate my hair.. still black.


Saturday, January 1, 2005

1) refrain from writing depressing blurbs..(this is hard one cuz i came to the conclusion that blurbs are almost always depressing. when you're depressed you're at home and when you're at home you're in front of the computer because you have no one else to talk to so what better way to exert that unhappiness than sharing it with everyone that might happen across my website.. right?)

2) find another job. nuff said

3) be happier. Please see #2.
ive been such a bummer lately it sucks. i try to put a smile on my face but i duno we'll see what happens in '05

4) lose my tubby. yes i have tubby i just hide it well. there's this spare tire slowly increasing around my waist that has hindered my "sexy jeans" era. why dont they make jeans with spandex like the 80's again. boy those were the days

5) get used to my black elvira like hair. hmpf. im soooooo not liking it but either it will grow on me or its back to the bleach for me.. i'll give it a month and if i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror anymore i'll be knocking on toni & guy's door for sure.

6) eat healthier. pshh yah right. where am i gonna eat healthy in the middle of santa ana during my lunch break? my choices include jack n the box, carl's and el pollo loco. either i go brown bag or i gotta hunt for some healthier grubbin during work.

7) organize my mp3s. yes i finally got an ipod wootwoot thanks g. i have over 60gigs of mp3s and they are all jacked up all over the place.. i tried to have itunes organize it and that couldnt even do it. arrgh guess i gotta put aside a day and make it happen.

8) use ebay. i have so much shit with price tags its unbelievable. im such an impulse buyer that i could probably quit my job, start an ebay account and live off of the revenue on that for a year. which leads into #8

9) stop impulse buying. i have sooooooooo many clothes and shoes. if you've seen my closet you would realize how much ish i actually have its psycho. i just have this fondness for new threads. plus i hate doing laundry so put those together and its a deadly combination.

10) play the sims 2. this was my absolute stress reliever get away when the first one came out for playstation. i have the sims 2 for pc i just gotta get my old farty not wanting to learn ass off the couch and figure out all the gnarly new buttons and tricks and ill be on my way to happily ever after.

11) find another job. O oops I did it again. dayam i really need another job

© 2004