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Friday, April 28, 2006
and i was trying to disappear,
but you got me wrapped around you
i can hardly breathe without you
i was trying to disappear
but i got lost in your eyes now,
you brought me down to size now.

secondhand serenade – half alive


Tuesday, April 25, 2006
im free from its clutches
it was a wild ride
but my train stops here


Friday, April 21, 2006
Unless they make something just absolutely mindblowing fabulous
Mark my words i will never buy a louis vuitton purse.
Slush = sooooooooooooooooo LUSH


Thursday, April 20, 2006
So i talked to a director of finance for a large eastern company today with a 502 mid score. He had 3 150 day lates and 2 nonconsecutive foreclosures in the past 12 months was at 99% ltv and was on a Pick a payment program with his current mortgage.. first off how much more subprime can he possibly be and second how the hell did he become a director of finance and get himself into this mess?


Thurssday, April 20, 2006
other than the physical
ive always been pretty secure about myself
lately that hasn’t been the case

ive always been able to make decisions on my own and
weigh out the pros and cons in every situation i was faced with
day by day that task has become increasingly difficult

i find myself at odds with myself and
the toughest person to fight with is yourself


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Five I’s in a Relationship


Tuesday, April 18, 2006
my dreamhouse would have
an office where my desk faced
a gynormous window about 50 feet wide
that overlooked a setting sun on the pacific ocean.

music to my ears, inspiration to my mind.
hey i can dream cant i.


Monday, April 17, 2006
what would you rather be...
talented or beautiful?

honestly.........thats a tuff choice


Sunday, April 16, 2006
Happy egg day everyone.
It was pleasant spending time with the family at my sisters place and talking about her wedding. Im so stoked for her. Christian is an awesome guy and I am so happy that she found someone to produce offspring with. They are gonna have the cutest kids.. I cant wait to be an aunt!


Saturday, April 15, 2006
don’t mistake smarts for wisdom.
there is a big big difference.
-mr. ronald “git-r-done” harbor


Friday, April 14, 2006
keeping crap from your past is like setting yourself up for default.
it is inadvertently planting the seeds to a shitty feeling.
while your packing the crap away you feel shitty.
then one day you’ll just stumble upon the crap,
get all sappy, feel that entire memory all over again,
then feel shitty for the second time around.
to top it off, someone else may stumble upon the crap
then they’ll feel shitty and you’ll feel shitty for still having the crap
thats pretty shitty.
a bonfire is a definite must


Thursday, April 13, 2006
“you’re like corduroy pants in the 70’s”
that must mean im rad


Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I was reviewing a credit report and there was a tradeline called
“badcock” with a past due balance of $1681 on it.

I would definitely be past due on paying for a badcock too...


Tuesday, April 11, 2006
i had 3 borrowers getting divorces today.
what a sad sad day and age we live in.


Monday, April 10, 2006
Have you ever felt like you know a whole bunch of people
But don’t really know anyone at all?


Saturday, April 8, 2006
somewhere i saw
it sit confidently at the end of every spectrum
stoic and without compromise
mystery tangled in its darkness
a sibling to the deepest shadow
befriending the night
simple complicated
the only hue that can pull you in
while pushing you away


Thursday, April 6, 2006
there is something incredibly sensual
about a rv and boat parking lot
i just cant put my finger on it


Wednesday, April 5, 2006
Would you divorce someone if you found out that they kissed someone else?
Not had full on sex with.. just kissed.

I would.
It says ‘til death do us part.
Not ‘til I find some hot piece off ass to play “just the tip” with
or an accidental slippage of tongue down their throat.
no deal.


Wednesday, April 5, 2006
To try and find out if a home was rural or not I asked how close my borrower’s nearest neighbor is.

His response:
“I can piss on my neighbors dog in his backyard from my bedroom window.
Is that close enough for ya”


Tuesday, April 4, 2006
At 1am tonight with 2 minutes and 3 seconds the calendar will read:
It won’t happen again until the year 3007.

you were quite the clever one today


Monday, April 3, 2006
Ive mellowed out ten fold
in retrospect
not a penny shy off the dime


Sunday, April 2, 2006
the sense of touch should not only be defined
as a path to arousal

far more important
are fingertips caressing your skin
lips gently brushing yours
warmth in ones embrace..
comfort from one to another

deprivation of such can lead straight to insanity
am I going insane?


Saturday, April 1, 2006
fuck i lost an hour tonight. the world is sleeping. i am not.

the drive seemed so long
a stranger to you
amongst strangers

words, smile, scent
nothing more than now
the blunder, the chase

all those came true
your façade finally showed through

trampoline kissed
freeway pass missed

she sent him a song.
ben folds five – brick
i just could not understand
leaving without explanation
another innocent life
deprived of seeing the world

too kind too soon
only one, honestly hurt

the one
the three
the the the

something new something wild
something strange something

move with me
listen with me
feel with me
take this , take nothing more
take all i have to give

should this whim be a branch
crash into me
crush dandelions
grab my hand, grab me
you call, i follow
you scream, i chase

day one
pierced through same skin
pressed against yours
nailed to a wall

can this be it
eye to eye, page to page
nothing before this
im not a wishful thinker
will I see you at the finish line?


Saturday, April 1, 2006
there are nights when i imagine myself
laying on a rickety park bench
looking up at the trees that nestle up towards the sky
daydreaming, believing

it is your will and thy will be done.

ive been getting the hint from a lot of friends that my blurbs have been leaning towards morbid, forlorn, despondency. fear not dear reader. even if i tried to form some sadistic act towards myself i would probably be unsuccessful since i am the biggest clutzoid in the entire universe. not a week goes by without me severely scarring myself with nothing more than toasting bread or obtaining something in my garage. my most recent war wound is seamlessly located on my wrist. the burn mark has dug deep into my skin but the dutch apple pie that was conceived from that wound was worth every bite.


Saturday, April 1, 2006
im on a liquid diet.
its called beer.
care to join me?


Saturday, April 1, 2006
i broke out like crazy
its like im 13 and i just started puberty.
does that mean that my boobs will grow bigger?
maybe the acne is worth it then.
i must, i must, i must increase my bust.................... <punky brewster is rad>


Saturday, April 1, 2006
if every second of your life was caught on tape
and played for the world to see
would you be ashamed to watch it?

a mirror is a mere reflection of oneself
scary to think what it would really be like to see yourself
from another’s perspective.


Saturday, April 1, 2006
i thought it odd
that all the elderly people waddled their way to the promenade
with their folded chairs, stuffed by their sides.
apparently trying to find a place to park themselves
in the flood of pedestrian traffic, come sunset.
although neighbor to the mediterranean,
spain had the best lasagna ive ever tasted
and the saltiest water ive ever swam in.


Thursday, March 30, 2006
sometimes we see things that we really wish we hadn’t
and no matter how hard we try, we just cant get it out of our heads
it ends up brandishing that polished perception we made
with that one magical first impression


Thursday, March 30, 2006
cranium is fun:
the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
this sentence uses every single letter in the alphabet.
i bet you didn’t know that. i sure didn’t.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006
i cdnuolt blveiee taht i cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht i was rdgnieg. the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at cmabrigde uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. the rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006
i went to albertsons and bought beer. my drink of choice.
the checker would not believe that my id was really me.
“you cant be a day over 17”
god bless her little soul.
i hope when im 40 i still get that comment when buying beer.


Tuesday, March 28, 2006
straight into the darkness
barely able to make out the popcorn flakes adorning the ceiling
pondering all the things yet to accomplish
all the things that could have been done better during the course of the day..
course of life………. far past overrated

familiar tone, screams ugly head
the electronic device, handcuffed to the outside world

the last thing you want to hear before you rest your eyes
seems like the eyes haven’t rested in awhile
at least not like they’ve rested in the past

somehow at fault
amiss, aloof, astray
cant put my finger on it

i was never really hugged as a child
rather, given sedatives to relinquish my childish spirit
somehow, that has carried through to the current

cut down
tree doesn’t far from the apple
without a way to predetermine
the coordinates of the planted seeds

seeds of doubt?
only hope to acquire
enough sunlight and water
to nurture development

wind mustve lodged this seed

found way beyond the beaten path
in territory as unfamiliar
as the people whose blood flows through my own

issue reads a lot like misuse
if this is life, let water fill my lungs
until i wallow in the waves
to distant shores and start anew

im going nowhere slow


Saturday, March 25, 2006
some of the best
are when words
are not exchanged


Saturday, March 25, 2006
i don’t want to be the dining dead
or the saturday morning grudge
this early on in the game

i want to waste away
sunny sunday afternoons
monday never come


Friday, March 24, 2006
its that quiet time before the dawn
and im past making sense of it
was i wrong?


Thursday, March 23, 2006
when i was little my grandmother used to take care of me since my mom worked all the time
every once in awhile ill remember the odd little things she used to do
and how i used to yell at her because i was an impatient little brat
she used to do our laundry and hang our clothes out on lines strung up in our backyard
because she didn’t believe in drying machines
she used to use tiny scissors and cut off the lint balls that always showed up on our socks
she used to make the best filipino beef steak, curry shrimp
and fried tilapia that i would eat with my hands smothering it with patis
she used to put a tremendous amount of sugar in her coffee and dip her buttered bread in it
she would read the enquirer on a daily basis and warn me to be careful all the time
because she didn’t want me to end up on the 10 o’clock news
she was addicted to soap operas and read cheesy love novels by danielle steel
she was a dedicated listener to the filipino radio that my uncle bought for her
and when the antennae broke she attached a wire hanger on it
in hopes of getting better reception
i used to sneak in her bed at night when i was afraid of the dark
she would stroke my hair and hum old filipino tunes until i fell asleep
she would bang on my door 2 hours before church started every sunday
and tell me to hurry up because we were going to be late
at christmas eve mass i would always fall asleep on her.
she was little and chubby and comfy and
i could never keep my eyes open long enough to hear the end of mass
i took her to watch evita when it was still in the theaters and she absolutely loved it
she was a strong proud woman and never remarried or even dated after my grandfather died
she was stubborn, like my mom……..like me
she came from a wealthy family but gave it up because she fell in love
with a boy from the other side of the tracks.
she went to my high school graduation but didn’t make it to my college one.
i was the first one to get there that day. she told me she had a dream.
papang was there and she was young again.
she said she was wearing a beautiful hand made maria clara dress and
they were at a party happy, smiling, laughing and dancing to a live band.
all her old friends were there and she was no longer in pain.
i was the last one she saw before she died.
i guess everyone has their own heaven.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006
my heart is beating fast
i can hear it in my ears

three feet walls that surround me are suffocating

the refresh rate on this screen doesn’t seem fast enough
or maybe my eyes are just refusing to adjust


Tuesday, March 21, 2006
im incredibly impulsive
its hard for me to use deductive reasoning
im really particular with my food

i wish i had never stumbled across..
it is the ingredient
that has left a sour taste in my mouth

this word has three e’s in it
my name does too


Monday, March 20, 2006
I'm not a concept.
Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive,
but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind.
Don't assign me yours.


Monday, March 20, 2006
WalkingBear says you should follow your heart regardless of the consequences.
if your heart is not into your work it slowly grows hard.

My heart is rock solid right now.
It needs to be melted down to squishy mode again.


Sunday, March 19, 2006
i don’t know what’s worse
not being able to be with the person you want to be with

or being right next to the person you want to be with
and not knowing if they want to be there with you.

being selfish can be slow torture


Saturday, March 18, 2006
id lick your snot


Friday, March 17, 2006
if love is a labor
ill slave to the end


Wednesday, March 15, 2006
misery loves me


Friday, March 10, 2006
noon meeting:
by discovering what your emotional deformities are,
you can move towards its correction.


Friday, March 10, 2006
im so ooooooo...

beside myself right now


Friday, March 10, 2006
The only way to be real is to be honest with yourself.

I have this reoccurring dream that I am in the house that I grew up in.
10919 Dora St. Sun Valley, CA 91352
I’m a little girl walking down the hallway
I walk into my parents bedroom and watch my dad die.
He’s laying in bed crying and
there’s absolutely nothing that I can do to help him.

I’ve dreamt this for longer than I can remember.
Recently this dream has changed.

Im in the house that I live in now.
I’m a little girl walking up the three flights of stairs.
I enter my bedroom and I see myself, 25 years old, lying in bed crying…
And theres absolutely nothing that five year old eileen can do to help her.


Friday, March 10, 2006
i havent cried in a long time
these tears weren't as salty as i thought they would be


Thursday, March 9, 2006
Although it may seem just like a scrapple of metal,
Its unique edges quantify the tiny object as something much greater.
This is a big deal. Hopefully convenience is not a factor.


Wednesday, March 8, 2006
You gotta play with the cards your dealt
I want to fold.


Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Fuckin bro deals
Whatever happened to an honest days work or an honest days pay or an honest living made?
Seems to me like if you’re not part of the “club”
then you’re gonna be standing outside in the vip line all night
thinking they want you in, when they’ve already decided otherwise.


Tuesday, March 7, 2006
I only want you
to want me


Tuesday, March 7, 2006
The golden opportunity you are seeking
is in yourself.
It is not in your environment;
it is not in luck or chance,
or the help of others;
it is in yourself alone.


Monday, March 6, 2006
Spring blossoms you to me.

Tis the season of change
What I once thought was solid and stable
Now seems like a rickety bridge
made out of rotted wooden planks
strung over a fiery canyon of poisonous needles
ready to devour my helpless body
should one stumble
break through to my end


Sunday, March 5, 2006
all or nothing

sometimes the in between can be a lot less hectic


Wednesday, March 1, 2006
if it’s a No go..
i ’d rather just know..
you know?


Tuesday, February 28, 2006
crossed the border
into a state of suspense
unfamiliar shoulder
signs of consciousness

whats it gonna take to make me see
whats it gonna take to make me believe
whats it gonna take to set me free

signed away my life
curiosity in first sight


Sunday, February 26, 2006
even a song about nothing
means something
to someone


Friday, February 24, 2006
Just stop already..
the hole you are digging is starting to hit hot liquid MAGMA in the earths center core.


Thursday, February 23, 2006
Only with Eileen would it be possible to get lost in a mall for more than one hour without a tiny inkling of where the car might be parked. Phew. What a day what a day.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006
You’re beautiful


Tuesday, February 21, 2006
i want to walk out of this movie
and throw popcorn on the screen
your gum stuck on my heel
reminds me that this world can be so mean

something you failed to mention
sinking feeling, with one question
coy smiles, rift in between
distant miles, all that was unseen
inside i fall, i don’t belong
not much room left to be strong

i don’t want to watch the ending
i can already play out the show
this script is so predictable
like a film i already know

i don’t want to be the star for you
cameras unfocused, lights are burning through
you were the director on my stage
break away from this fiery cage
so much you want me to say
this role, i just can’t play

i want to walk out of this movie
and throw popcorn on the screen
the thought of your lips pressed against another’s
the thought of your eyes gazing into another’s
i don’t want to be a simple scene
i want to be your happy ever after


Saturday, February 18, 2006
Why are you talking with an umbrella in your hand? (it was a banana)

Is it raining over there?
Hell ya its raining over my head

Mushroom top = muffin top

Ivibe – enjoy your tunes while enjoying yourself

The root beer float game is bad ass

That better not be a virgin cocktail you’re drinking cuz lord knows you aint no virgin

Modest mouse – sleepwalking


Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Pony boy
stay gold


Tuesday, February 14, 2006
back to reality.. ugh.


Friday, February 10, 2006
The magic hour
the minutes just before dusk
When in a fleeting moment
The suns golden embers
Bathe the world
In breathtaking hues


Wednesday, February 8, 2006
criss cross
apple sauce

you really don’t want to get taken into the back room
and whipped with a wet noodle


Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Work can be a battlefield
Minus the landmines
I think this war can be victorious


Tuesday, February 7, 2006
I practically forgot about it
no one has ever noticed it
until today.


Saturday, February 4, 2006
its strange when you wake up in the morning disoriented.
is this real?
the world that you had grown so accustomed to and comfortable with
is now a million light years away.
and although you want to convince yourself that this is now reality,
the pain from pinching your skin does not suffice
in confirming this new path you are venturing through is indeed true.

the stars are beautiful in the mountains.
makes you feel tiny in this vast universe we live in.
really sets in how miniscule the issues we face are
in the grand scheme of things.

im starting to carve down the mountain with a little more fluidity now.
minus the tumble that threw my beanie and goggles off,
i feel like im getting a little more confident with this whole boarding thing.
and to think, all it took was to realize that i should be riding goofy foot..
can you believe that??! so many years of boarding regular and absolutely despising this sport
and all it took was to switch ways and now im catching on.

its nice to be out of the bubble, eat home cooked food,
be surrounded by wonderful people and breath in the fresh air.

if I could stop time I would
and get lost… here


Thursday, February 2, 2006
The best love is the kind that awakens your soul and makes you reach for more,
that plants a fire in your ear and brings peace to your mind.
It is the kind that one can only hope to find...
and to hope to be able to give to someone forever.


Wednesday, February 1, 2006
if I could keep that feeling in a box
I would

hidden safely in my back pocket

to feel it once more,
when the day seems as if it will never end


Wednesday, February 1, 2006
if I wrote you a book
would you read it?

or would it help keep your table from wobbling


Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I put a quarter in the fucking happy machine
And im still not smiling


Monday, January 30, 2006
“If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan.
And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” -Jim Rohn


Sunday, January 29, 2006
open your eyes in my heart
i want to see you


Saturday, January 28, 2006
Life has a funny way of bringing you full circle sometimes.
I think back to where I was a year ago .. sigh.
Where were you a year ago, today?

In a place where you thought you knew where you were going perhaps..
When all along you were just as lost as you were the year before.

Its hard to let your guard down sometimes.
But its only human to avoid inevitable pain.
Is it truly inevitable though?
What if there really was something out there that was pure and true and honest and simple?
Could that possibly exist?
And if it did, would you fail to recognize it
because you have built up such a vast wall of protection around yourself.

a perfect circle – when the levee breaks


Thursday, January 26, 2006
Spoiled isn’t only defined as getting everything you want..

Its when you want something right at this moment and wont settle without,
Even though you know you will eventually get it, in due time.


Wednesday, January 25, 2006
surely there had to be a way to feel okay,
surely there had to be a way to smile again,
to live like then,
through the constant falls,
hope is from our souls.

terminal - foster


Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Beef Stew
Chips & Cheese
Coors Light

Just enjoy the time you are able to spend with her
Make it feel like the last time you will ever see her
Then you will never take it for granted


Monday, January 23, 2006
Fall for her hard
But don’t fall for her fast


Sunday, January 22, 2006
All you could’ve shown
Although I should’ve known
Deep down you couldn’t
Deep down I shouldn’t

I still do
I would’ve said
I do


Thursday, January 19, 2006
it’s the little imperfections that make it perfect


Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Runaway bride.

I like my eggs overhard.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

don’t change your eggs for anyone
trust yourself and get em how you like em.


Monday, January 16, 2006
So I was thinking about prenuptial agreements today.
what a concept. It almost reminds me of predatory lending. or a prepayment penalty.
like setting the vulnerable up for default.
vulnerable because why would you put an expiration date on your marriage
or leave the “just in case” door open for either spouse to walk through it.

It just doesn’t make sense to me. I told myself I would only be married once in my lifetime.
And when I do, its going to be unreal. Why else would you get married?
Would you just say “I do” because it makes sense right now
but may not make sense ten years from now?
UNREAL. Unimaginable, cant live without,
first person you wake up to and last person you hear breath before you slumber in their embrace.
why would you put a “what if” on that?

I think the only way I could possibly sign a written agreement
in regards to my marriage would be if my husband had an affair.
If that was the case then fuck him..
im taking all the eggs in the basket and leaving him
with the memory of my ass walking out the door.


Sunday, January 15, 2006
At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.


Sunday, January 15, 2006
my eyes are starting to burn
straining, reading between your lines

this font is too small to comprehend
stringing me along

silent cry, deafening
warm embrace, weakening


Saturday, January 14, 2006
No matter how much I stir
My soup still sticks to the pot


Friday, January 13, 2006
Sharing ones art
Comes with trust
It’s a gift


Thursday, January 12, 2006
Everything you said
Is how I feel all the time


Tuesday, January 10, 2006
convince me otherwise
crawl into a dream
promise of morning
run me down
away from this
i was right all along


Monday, January 9, 2006
Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

Mammoth. A much needed retreat from the throws of monotony.


Sunday, January 8, 2006
Stuffed in the backseat
Completely engulfed in REM
A foot slams on the brakes
Screaming forces the eyelids open
Only to see, the joke is on me

Or was it the armadillo crossing the highway?


Saturday, January 7, 2006
Muffintop = when the fat hangs over a chicks jeans. [ewww mental picture]

If you want me to rub you consistently for ten minutes,
All you need to do is wear velour.
Hehe.. annie was it as good for you as it was for me?


Tuesday, January 3, 2006
Leave it to the fortune cookie to brighten my day:
Your efforts are budding- Results will appear soon


Tuesday, January 3, 2006
I feel like I had a fuckin dick on my face today.
Seriously! Arghhhhh.. Excuse my French but what the nuts is everyone staring at?
And it didn’t feel like the good staring.. you know the someone is following me with their eyes
“I want to take them home and ravage them” look.
It was more like the.. “whats this chicks story?” kinda look.
I even had lunch with 2 coworkers and they kept mentioning creepy people staring.
Maybe my outfit was too left field? Maybe the black hair?
Whatever the case FAWWWWWKKK stop staring bitches!

Otay im done.


Tuesday, January 3, 2006
“salao” - the worst form of unlucky.
the old man and the sea.
ernest hemingway kicks ass.
no wonder he won the pulitzer prize.


Monday, January 2, 2006
how would you feel if someone wrote you a song?
and everytime they played it the thought of you danced in their mind.

sinking feeling in your tummy. i could just imagine.
one that makes you want to run up 3 flights of stairs to puke
but barely make it to the toilet.
water fountain projectile off the rim.
could make for a messy situation.
wouldn’t that be superb.


Sunday, January 1, 2006
it is a new year.
what would you do if you weren’t afraid?


Sunday, January 1, 2006
it is a new year.
what would you do if you weren’t afraid?


Sunday, January First, Two Thousand Six
I feel like fuckin shit. Im a jerk. I deserve this. Indecisiveness can cause pain. Unintentional pain, but pain nonetheless. You can say that you didn’t mean to hurt until your blue in the face but that wont cure a situation. But was there even something that needed to be cured? happiness struggle, a whirlwind carrying me right back to square one. I always imagine what it would be like to sit on my dads lap and just hold him and weep… drops of tears wiped away with his tender touch. he would hold me tightly and assure me that everything would be alright. protect me from this pain that is ripping me apart. Just look into his eyes and know… I don’t have that chance. And I never will. I have to put on the strong face every morning and that face gets harder and harder to put on as each day passes. It no longer fits the way it used to. The cracks and crevasses are splitting through to uncover a vulnerable canvas. Canvas. Painting that serene picture of timed happiness then quickly plastering gesso over it before anyone can even enjoy the final masterpiece. A work in progress. Maybe im looking at it backwards. Maybe the white gesso is more lovely than the colors that just weren’t meant to be.. Was I trying to hard to make the colors work in unison?

Hem doesn’t embrace change. Haw was willing to seek out a resolution to the change. Sniff could sense upcoming change and Scurry was always ready to take immediate action to change. “Who moved My Cheese.” Fantastic book. It was meant for you to read but my eyes wandered through the pages before you even got a chance to touch it. It was written for you… ‘The fear you let build up in your mind is worse than the situation that actually exists.’ That’s where it went wrong. That fear enveloped you. Now the fear is reality even though the situation never existed.

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